Remember the 454? She's gone, she's gone. I'm not saying I'm happy about it, but she's gone. Remember I had that in the 'Vette, and then I had it in the Yammie, and then I had it in the Chopper. She's gone, eh? Not saying I'm happy about it.
But I got Frankie some good. You knows Frankie? Lives next door to me, Frankie? Ralphie's brudder? Well ya knows him now, hey by? He looks like Hulk Hogan only half so pretty. Cause there's two t'ings on this earth I hates; Number one: Frankie talking about the stuff he got and the stuff I don't got and braggin' all the time. And Number Two is Frankie's goat, 'cause Frankie got a goat. No,no, no no: I got the goat, cause Frankie leaves the gate open all the time and he's always over in my garden chewing on my cabbages and generally making a nuisance of hisself, and then Frankie is leaning his face over the garden saying, "You needs fertilizer." And if I had half of what Frankie is full of I'd have lots of fertilizer, all right ,I'll tell ya that right now.
And then Frankie's lawnmover, that's something else that drives me up the wall I'm gonna tell ya, is Frankie's lawnmower. He got one of them ride on lawnmovers, eh? He ordered 'em from the catalogue.
Now, he know'd he couldn't make the payments, he didn't mind that. He know'd he couldn't afford it, he didn't mind that. So long as he could have 'er for two months of the summer and drive by my window every morning at 5:00 o'clock he be satisfied! But I didn't let it get to me!!!
Anger control, anger control...ok focus, focus, I got it, I got, I'm okay, I'm okay.
But he got some fright ole man. Had 'er all last summer, see, kept over the winter never made a payment on 'er. Ten months behind in his payments, hey by? Next t'ing ya know a little feller from the catalogue company is knockin' on his door, little sawed off crackie about four and a half feet tall. He wit' a brush cut and pimply face and coke bottle glasses and the zoot suit and the shiny shoes and 45 pencils in the top pocket. And he got right on the wrong side of Frankie right off.
He says, "You're ten months behind, we're going to have to repossess the mower."
Frankie sez, "Oh yes," he sez, "come on to me about being nine or ten months behind. I can't help that. I got me priorities. I can't help it if I needs smokes and beer!"
Frankie built the shed around 'er. Two days later, the bys shows up with the truck to collect 'er and couldn't get 'er out, Frankie built the doors too small. B'ys said it was more profitable to leave 'er where she was.
But I got 'er eh? Oh yes, I'm gonna tell ya, I got da mower now, I got 'er. I'll tell ya what happened. Playoffs come on TV, Frankie was going through cold turkey for a case a beer and a pack of smokes, buddy. Now, when a feller goes hard up, for a case of beer and a pack of smokes, he'll do anything, wouldn't he, what? He'd trade the wife for it, wouldn't he? You knows he would, what? He'd trade the youngsters, wouldn't he b'y, what? Yes old man. He'd trade his quad, wouldn't he b'y? Oh no, no, not the quad, I mean, he'd have to have his priorities pretty screwed up to do that, wouldn't he?
Old man, first game of the Playoffs, they never even dropped the puck before Frankie sawed the side outta the shed and whipped 'er over to my place right fast. There she was in my shop and I was doin' a customizin' job on to 'er. Cause I looked at 'er eh, and she was hardly worth a case of beer and a pack of smokes hey b'y? You ever see 'em? When I t'inks about a lawnmower, I wants a landscape leveling device. I don't want a little device for cutting grass. I mean, I wants to start off with the Blow Me Down Mountains, and end up with a golf course in one pass. Hey b'y? What you need is a lot of GDP, gross destructive power, he b'y?
I looked at these little wheels, old man, they were only that big around. First thing I did was get a decent size wheels on to 'er. I went and took the rear end out of the skidder and put on to 'er, hey b'y. Seven foot diameter wheels, now that's a tire! That'll go over some terrain, you know, hey b'y, what? Yeah, I looked at 'er old man, put on the spare bucket seats with them six-way power lumbar support bucket seats eh, one fer me and one for the missus, and the tilting and telescoping steering column with the cruise control on to it, hey? And the 12 speaker audio system developing 250 watts RMS old man, and put a CD in there, Marilyn Manson Full Time, up on max.
Yes sir, and then I looked under the hood, little 18 horsepower Tecumseh engine, Lard Jumpin's, stall out shavin' the hairs off yer scrotum! First thing I did old man was implant the 454. Ahhh! My son, with headers on 'er going back in the two 10 inch exhaust pipes yes sir, my son, developing 356 brake horsepower and I put, I diverted the dust collection system blower right up into the air horn, significantly increasing the low end torque and the standard equipment four barrel Holyfield carburetor, all you gotta do is give 'er the fuel. Yes sir! Now, I had a mower!
First thing I should'a done I spose, I knows what I should'a done. I should'a put on one of those remote keyless ignition systems, cause I made that mistake. I never even got a chance to start 'er, old man. I put 'er outside the night I finished 'er, the night I finished the job. It was just about bedtime when I finished 'er, I rolled 'er outside, and I kept the keys in the ignition. That was a mistake right there, Frankie kept the keys in the ignition so I kept the keys in the ignition. I mean you take them out of the ignition, you're going to lose 'em, aren't ya?
Frankie played dirty on me. He called up the young feller from the catalogue company as soon as I got ahold of it. He said "You can come get the mower back, it's parked next door at me buddy's place. Come and get 'er anytime you like." I never got a chance to start 'er up. I rolled 'er out of the shed that night, old man, and Lordy jumpin's, put 'er there by the shop, and I went to bed, eh, cause it was 11:30 or something. 12:30 in the in the night, half past 12 morning, there I am lying in my bunk, taking a snooze and a truck comes up the road. I never thought no more about it hey b'y? She stops and the door opens, and someone gets out. Next thing I know the 454 springs to life right underneath my window in the driveway. The two feet never hit the cold canvas at all, they was in the piss pumps that fast. Three strides and I was down over the stairs hauling on a coat as I went, you knows what I'm saying, hey?
I went out the door and here's Cock Isssac from the catalogue company going down over the garden removing 10 inches of topsoil as he was going. And I done the wrong thing, I bawled at'em. I never should'a bawled at'en, cause he looked around seeing I was scravelling after him and he panicked. He put 'er to the floor. you heard of Hurricane Gert, have ya? SAME T'ING. Same t'ing, only this was Hurricane Concentrate.
First thing she done was pop a wheelie, my son, she somersaulted five times before she pitched at all. And when she pitched she come down on 'er two back wheels and 'er two exhaust pipes and stayed upright. Lordy jumpin dyin'! Here she was the dirty big bender blade on steriods turning over about 25,000 RPMs and sucking stuff into it, eh? And my son, the exhaust pipes diggin' into the ground, and the two wheels reeling up 18 or 20 feet of sod, my sonny b'y, and he tripped the Marilyn Mason CD and frozen in fear, hanging on and thought he had gone to hell. Hanging on for dear life.
Then she started to move.
First ting she done was start twirling around in circles, and my son she was pulverizing boulders, terminating trees, generally making flour out of everything she contacted old man. She struck the garbage can...bzzzz!...Steel Wool just like that. She struck the dog house, old man, dog shavings and saw dust. She was going out of control and then she made for the garden. Up in the garden was Frankie's goat. At this point I hesitated to see what might happen. The goat had only enough time to pick its head up from chewing on tender young cabbage shoots and glutch back one last mouthful before he was turned into goat burger and bone meal. There is justice after all!
Well, she went out of control about a little more, going around the car. She started diggin' a hole, she sucked a birch junk down into her breather, drove her revs up to 25,000 RPMs, choked 'er off old man, threw a piston out through the side of the ____ and suffered a nuclear meltdown right there. Game over, tilt!
The young feller couldn't believe she stopped. "She stopped!" he said, and he took off. Up behind the house he took off, the young fellers found him three days later caught up in a rabbit slip. I looked at the mess, and did the logical thing: I went over and got Frankie out of bed. "Frankie" I says to him, "the young feller from the catalogue company went and had an accident with da mover. Come over and have a look." Now, Frankie gota weak stomach. He shined his flashlight in the garden, nothing but hamburger and cole slaw all over the place. He turned white, threw up and fainted. He was out for three hours, I had to lug him back home. And I never seen him the rest of the summer, the best summer I ever had! And my son, you should have seen me cabbages, what cabbages I had old man, every one the size of a basketball and and they perfect, nar grub into 'em at all, my son, beautiful cabbages. Frankie noticed it about three weeks ago. He leans his face over the garden fence. I noticed him looking at my cabbages, and he looks at me and says "You seen my goat?"
"Frankie", I says to him, "your goat's been over my garden all summer. I don't see 'im now, but wherever he is, he's fertilizing cabbages!"