Faller/Logging Jokes

[Rounder]

Trying to lighten things up with a not so serious thread. Sitting here already burnt out just from getting all my #### together for another week. Looking for some laughs.

Anyhow, to the point of another one of my pointless threads.

Friday, waiting for the last yarder crew.....so we're last in.....first out!

One of the yarder operators comes over to me grinning. Says, " You know why fallers wives are always pissed at them?" "No", I say. "Because they're so busy ####ing the hookers that they don't have any time to #### their wives!"

I laughed. Whatta you guys/gals got?

Hope you all had a good weekend - Sam

 

[madhatte]

So I turn to a tree on one of my sales, a big gnarly prairie schooner, and say, "zat an epicormic branch there or are you just happy to see me?"

Oh, man, I slay me sometimes.

 

[hanniedog]

You fellers are real cut ups.

 

[hammerlogging]

ain't got nothin for ya right now but yeah, #### the hookers!

I really do what I can to make the logging as fast and smooth and easy as possible, but I know every once in a while I do something, and I can't help but laugh, thinking "that sucks, well, #### 'em"

 

[Rounder]

ain't got nothin for ya right now but yeah, #### the hookers!

I really do what I can to make the logging as fast and smooth and easy as possible, but I know every once in a while I do something, and I can't help but laugh, thinking "that sucks, well, #### 'em"

We started on a new piece last Wednesday. Strictly cutting tall, slick, heavy Lodge Pole. They hit perfectly in the lead and bounce and jump and end up laying 90 degrees oppisite the lead, 200 ft below the original point of impact. A mind - #### for sure. That, or they scream down the hill about 1000 ft out of the unit. Awesome. I feel for the hookers on this one, sucks for sure, lol. - Sam

 

[slowp]

There is my signature line.

 

[Samlock]

A logger got sick and had to go in a hospital. As he was lying in the hospital bed he felt his time was running out, that he was about take a road to the Logger's Heaven.

He called the nurse and yelled: - Please, give me a drink! It's just so awkward to mingle with strangers when you're sober!

 

[Greystoke]

Loggers brain:

This poor dumb old boy hears about a place where he can get a brain transplant to help make him smarter. He walks into the place and there is a guy standing behind a counter, and behind him is a huge wall with a bunch of shelves with glass jars full of brains. He says "looks like I found the right place"! Guy behind the counter says, "yes sir, we can fix you up with any brain you care to choose, and have the money to pay for". Dumb guy looks at the lowest shelf, that has a sign that says "High school education". He tells the guy, "you know, I only made it through third grade, so how much fer one of them there high school edgycation brains"? Guy says $40,000. Dumb guy looks a couple shelves higher and sees a sign that reads:"College education". He asks how much and the guy says "140,000. Looks a couple shelves higher and there is a sign that reads:"Doctors brain", asks how much, and guy says $300,000. Next shelf up is a Lawyers brain that is $350,000. Dumb old boy is mullin it all over and looks way up on the top shelf, tucked way back in the corner where there is one lone glass jar covered in dust. He asks, "what the hell is that brain". The guy replies "that brain! nobody can afford that brain, it is priceless!" Dumb guy says "what is it, a rocket scientist brain or something?". The guy says, "Well it is a Loggers brain". Dumb guy says "Loggers Brain! I may be a dumb ass, but I know that no Loggers brain could be priceless...how in the hell do you figger it is priceless?"...to which the guy responds "Well, it has never been used!"
"

 

[OregonSawyer]

The old logging boss has a good one he has told me before, I will try to remember to ask him tomorrow and report back. Keep em coming guys. It's always good to lighten the mood instead of the same ol' 200 page wedge threads etc...

 

[slowp]

You probably already know this old one.

What's the difference between a log truck driver and a puppy??

The puppy stops whining after 6 weeks.

 

[Samlock]

This is not a joke but a true story:

A Northern backwood man sold a good deal of timber and took the money out of bank. It was a big pile of money, several 10k's. Well, he got drunk and of course found his way to a card table. Next morning he found out there wasn't much left of his money. He asked the bartender (the gentleman who told me this story) to call to town and order 200 scratch cards called "Ace" (they did cost at the time 5 €, the best win was 100k's). Ok, the bartender ordered the scratch cards, they arrived the same afternoon by a bus which delivers the mail.

As the bartender handed the cards to the unfortunate man he asked: "Is this really your plan B? To win your money back?"

"Nah, just a piece of hope for my old lady..."

 

[Humptulips]

A riggin' crew was working there way down a road. As they pulled a turn out of it's lay an old brown bottle rolls out of the dirt. One of the chokerman thinking it might be an antique and have some value retrieves it and starts rubbing the dirt off with his shirt sleeve. In a puff of smoke out pops a genie from the bottle. Looking about and seeing the three he says, I usually grant three wishes when I appear so I will grant each of you one wish.
The first chokerman says I wish I was in Hawaii with a million dollars surrounded by beautiful women and poof he is gone in a puff of smoke.
The second chokerman says I don't really want to go to Hawaii. I want to be on a beach in Florida with a million dollars surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women. He disappears in a puff of smoke.
The riggin' slinger is left all alone watching the riggin' coming back with three kinky chokers dragging the ground when the Genie says, what will it be, I haven't got all day for you to decide. The slinger takes a second look at the chokers getting close and says I want them guys back here right now and with a puff of smoke it is done.

 

[Samlock]

Happened in the old days:

A salesman advised a logger to ditch his old hand saws and buy a chainsaw.

"If you currently cut let's say 5 units of timber a day, I'm sure you will cut at least 15 units using this new chainsaw."

"Ok, you talk me into it", logger said. "I'll take it!"

The next week logger dragged the chainsaw back to the shop looking exhausted.

"Here, you can keep your piece of junk", he said. "I worked until my ears started to bleed, still I hardly made 3 units a day!"

"That's strange", salesman said, pulled the saw to fire and throttled few times. "It seems perfectly fine to me."

Logger stared at him eyes very wide and mouth open and finally managed to ask:

"What's that sound then?"

 

[Gologit]

Two foresters bought a timber sale for 5 bucks a thousand. They had it logged, trucked, and sold it for 5 bucks a thousand.
They were trying to figure out why they weren't making any money when one of them said "I figured it out. I know where we went wrong. We should have bought a bigger sale".

 

[Samlock]

Now, the Friday Extra - another "true" story. Do not read if sensitive.

Father and son were logging on their own land. All the sudden son, a young man he was, felt a strong urge - mating time.

"Give me money, dad", he said. "I'm heading to town. I got to get laid."

"Oh no, you're not going anywhere now", father replied. "The buyer expects us to haul the timber on the roadside in two weeks. If we don't, we're not going to get a dime."

Son was stubborn and finally father had no alternative but to give him money, so he could get done with it at get back to work. Son went home to change. Grandmother was in the house alone and asked the boy where he was going to in the middle of day.

"To town. I got to get laid."

Grandmother was terrified.

"You can't go now! You've got logging to do! If we won't sell the timber, the whole family will be ruined!"

"Ruined or not, I just got to get a piece of it."

"Why don't you take mine, and go back to logging", grandmother said.

When son came back to work father was surprised.

"That was quick. How come?"

"Well, I shagged grandmother."

Father got mighty angry. He grabbed the son's hair and shook hard.

"God damn you! What have you done! You shagged my mother!!!!"

Son defended himself:

"You've shagged my mother a thousand times, but have I ever pulled your hair because of that?"

 

[ChainsawmanXX]

Figured out why loggers are all perverts....
I mean think about it there around crotches and butts all the time

 

[madhatte]

I figured it out. I know where we went wrong.

..."Even the buyer didn't bother to read a lick of the mumbo-jumbo we dragged in from our 'cruise'."

 

[slowp]

When I was on the landing one time, I was constantly being told I must use a logger's epi pen. I am not allergic to bees, nor had I been stung. He'd be glad to stab me with it.

Why was I supposed to use it?

Because the expiration date was tomorrow and he didn't want to see it go to waste....

 

[Samlock]

When I was on the landing one time, I was constantly being told I must use a logger's epi pen. I am not allergic to bees, nor had I been stung. He'd be glad to stab me with it.

Why was I supposed to use it?

Because the expiration date was tomorrow and he didn't want to see it go to waste....

Another Scotchman:

We were on a clearing saw job. I had an older pard, the former forest engineer, who had flushed his engineering job down to his throat... And he was slow. A grandmother with a machete would have beaten him. We were paid by the cleared area. I wanted to know what's keeping the fellow and went to spy on him. Well, his disc didn't bite the wood, there was just smoke instead of sawdust. He was literally burning the disc through the sticks.

I went to him and said: "For God's sake, file your disc!"

He said: "No, do you have any idea how much these discs cost? Filing wears them out. I'm just to cheap to do that!"

 

[coastalfaller]

Here's one I posted in Pat's thread a while back. Bit long winded for text, but here it is!

A falling contractor (in Idaho! ;-)) was looking for guys for a camp job. A faller calls up, they chat for a bit, things sound pretty good. The faller asks how long the shifts are? The contractor replies "well, it's a bit of a long one, we work 8 weeks straight, then a week out!"
"Holy crap! That's one hell of a shift! How do you guys pull such long shifts?" Contractor replies, "well, I treat the guys pretty good. We have special nights every week. For example, Mondays are poker night!" The faller replies, "That sounds great, but I don't gamble. When I was little my Dad was a gambler and lost everything then left my mom, sister and me."

The contractor says "OK, I can understand that. I'm sure you'll really like Wednesdays though! I fly high priced call girls in from town and all the boys have a good time!!" The faller replies "I"m sorry, but I just can't partake in that either. I have too much respect for women. After my dad left, my mom and sister had to work the streets to make enough money for us to live."

Contractor replies "Well jesus, boy! Are you queer too?!" The fallers says "Oh no! I'm as straight as they come when it comes to that!"

Contractor says "Well jesus christ! Your sure as hell not gonna like Fridays then either!!!!!!!!!"

Hope this reads as good as when it's being told and you guys get a chuckle out of it! lol