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lone wolf

lone wolf

MS 200T King
Joined
Oct 5, 2009
Messages
59,170
Location
Prowling The Pine Barrens

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”​


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,407
Location
se washington
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds....They've left no tern unstoned....!



A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store....They gave me another one, free of charge.



Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep...Just release a new iphone every year.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,407
Location
se washington
you are full of funnies this week! must be bored from not cutting wood hey? anyways keep up the laughs... stay well turnkey. spring is only 6 short weeks away?

Keeping my had in splitting and stacking a big pileof locust rounds. We haven't had any winter to speeak of here. Only two quick periods o snow and that was gone in a couple days.

Neuro surgeon canceled my Monday appointment, next one next Monday - pinched nerve in spinal column
 
chucker

chucker

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
May 11, 2009
Messages
3,379
Location
pillager, minnesota
Keeping my had in splitting and stacking a big pileof locust rounds. We haven't had any winter to speeak of here. Only two quick periods o snow and that was gone in a couple days.

Neuro surgeon canceled my Monday appointment, next one next Monday - pinched nerve in spinal column
ouch! stay well as you can an heal faster an stronger ! cold snap here being below zero for a long week. ouch again!
 
olyman

olyman

Tree Freak
Joined
Jul 29, 2006
Messages
24,635
Location
iowa

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”​


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that
sounds like the above and below poster
 
muddstopper

muddstopper

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Nov 20, 2011
Messages
5,449
Location
mountains of nc

HELL EXPLAINED​

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."







THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
olyman

olyman

Tree Freak
Joined
Jul 29, 2006
Messages
24,635
Location
iowa

HELL EXPLAINED​

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."







THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
funny, but not true....
 
olyman

olyman

Tree Freak
Joined
Jul 29, 2006
Messages
24,635
Location
iowa
I tried smoking a fish once. I couldn't keep it lit.

When cavemen discovered fire and grew marijuana...it was the beginning of the "stoned age"....!

What did they give the guy who invented the door knocker?


No-bell prize.
so other hells children like your posts????????
 
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