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turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
You know why there isn’t a movie called constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
Tom, who does all the “editing out” of offensive posts at a Car Forum, finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his Crossfire for an upcoming Tail of the Dragon meet.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and just consider selling that thing.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟

”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟

”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟

Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
3 guys die and go to heaven.

st peter says, well, because it's christmas you all need something that resembles something to do with christmas or you can't get in.

so the first guy lights a match and says, this is a candle and st peter lets him through

second guys takes out his house keys, waves them about and goes well.. they are bells

st peter waves him through

third guy pulls out a pair of panties

st peter asks and what do these have to do with christmas?

the man replies they're carols!
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
Tom, who does all the “editing out” of offensive posts at a Car Forum, finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his Crossfire for an upcoming Tail of the Dragon meet.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and just consider selling that thing.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟

”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟

”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟

Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabaman said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

------
Two best friends, one from Oklahoma and one from Arkansas...bought an RV and decided to tour the good old U.S.A. They stopped in Northern Iowa, and decided they needed to buy some groceries. They went in the store, and the clerk greeted them; and asked if they needed any help. The Oklahoma guy says, "We want some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners". The clerk says "You're from Oklahoma, aren't you." The Oklahoma guys says "That's right...how did you know?"...and the clerk says "I can tell by the way you talk".

The guy from Arkansas, thought this was funny, so he says "I'm going to try that myself"; so he walks down about a block to another store, enters the store, and is greeted by the clerk, who says "Is there something I can help you with?" The guy says "I need some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners"...and the clerk says "You're from Arkansas, aren't you"...and the guy says "yeah, how did you know?"...and the clerk says "Because this is a Hardware store"
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,405
Location
se washington
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
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