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turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
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Location
se washington
You know why there isn’t a movie called constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
se washington
Tom, who does all the “editing out” of offensive posts at a Car Forum, finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his Crossfire for an upcoming Tail of the Dragon meet.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and just consider selling that thing.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟

”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟

”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟

Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
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Messages
18,439
Location
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3 guys die and go to heaven.

st peter says, well, because it's christmas you all need something that resembles something to do with christmas or you can't get in.

so the first guy lights a match and says, this is a candle and st peter lets him through

second guys takes out his house keys, waves them about and goes well.. they are bells

st peter waves him through

third guy pulls out a pair of panties

st peter asks and what do these have to do with christmas?

the man replies they're carols!
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
se washington
Tom, who does all the “editing out” of offensive posts at a Car Forum, finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his Crossfire for an upcoming Tail of the Dragon meet.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and just consider selling that thing.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟

”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟

”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟

Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
se washington
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabaman said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

------
Two best friends, one from Oklahoma and one from Arkansas...bought an RV and decided to tour the good old U.S.A. They stopped in Northern Iowa, and decided they needed to buy some groceries. They went in the store, and the clerk greeted them; and asked if they needed any help. The Oklahoma guy says, "We want some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners". The clerk says "You're from Oklahoma, aren't you." The Oklahoma guys says "That's right...how did you know?"...and the clerk says "I can tell by the way you talk".

The guy from Arkansas, thought this was funny, so he says "I'm going to try that myself"; so he walks down about a block to another store, enters the store, and is greeted by the clerk, who says "Is there something I can help you with?" The guy says "I need some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners"...and the clerk says "You're from Arkansas, aren't you"...and the guy says "yeah, how did you know?"...and the clerk says "Because this is a Hardware store"
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
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Messages
18,439
Location
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In 1874 the "cup" was used in soccer for the first time

In 1974 The first helmet was used in soccer

I only took 100 years for men to realize that protecting the brain was also important.

Ladies, stop laughing.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
se washington
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
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Messages
18,439
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Jack walked into the bar and said, "Pour me a stiff one, Jim! I just had a fight with my wife."

Jim said. "Oh yeah? And how did it end?"

Jack replied, "She came over to me on her hands and knees."

Jim replied, "Really? WOW! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless coward!"
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
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Messages
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

"It was the last straw. The guy next to me asked" "who was that up on the balcony with Dave?"
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
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I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Three girls walked up to me and asked if they could walk with and explained they were afraid to
walk through it at night. I agreed to let them walk with me and told them "I understand, I used
to get freaked out too when I was alive.

Never seen any one run so fast.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
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A professor is teaching a class and begins by asking "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,439
Location
se washington
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

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Messages
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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there.

He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

The man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife.

The guy says, “Sure,” and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
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Messages
18,439
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An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news I that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
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Messages
18,439
Location
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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no b***s, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the a** are interchangeable."
 
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