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Official joke thread

Unknown Cutter

Unknown Cutter

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usa
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
out of the same glass twice either."

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."



God Bless America !
 
Unknown Cutter

Unknown Cutter

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Messages
22
Location
usa
Daddy's Job
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 
Unknown Cutter

Unknown Cutter

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Messages
22
Location
usa
>>>LEROY:
>>>
>>>A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
>>>kids.
>>>"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
>>>
>>>"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard
>that
>>>question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
>>>
>>>All the children rush to find seats.
>>>
>>>"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
>I'll
>>>need all your children's names."
>>>"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
>>>"OK, and who's next?"
>>>"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
>>>
>>>The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
>>>through the
>>>oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
>>>
>>>Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
>>>
>>>"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
>>>they ALL
>>>named Leroy?"
>>>
>>>Their Momma replied, "Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it is
>>>time
>>>to get
>>>them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
>>>'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all
>comes
>>>arunnin !
>>>'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
>>>just
>>>yell
>>>'Leroy' and all of them stop.
>>>
>>>It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
>>>
>>>The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles er
>>>forehead and
>>>says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
>>>not
>
>>>the
>>>whole bunch?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"I call them by their last names."
 
chainsaw kid

chainsaw kid

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Nov 30, 2007
Messages
405
Location
NH
A man owned a small farm in Michigan .

The Michigan State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
 
sa1970

sa1970

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Jan 5, 2008
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16
Location
oklahoma
Little Joey at confession:

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you have to atone. You
can not be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."
 
super3

super3

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2,783
Location
indiana
Old People Are Cool

Wal Mart APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,0 00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're bett er suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock
 
super3

super3

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indiana
Blondes

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed over a year ago and still hadn't received payment.

Hellloooo,.....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I am automatically
stupid. I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last
year. ......."In just ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been over a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.
 
ray benson

ray benson

Tree Freak
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Messages
27,397
Location
Indiana
A GOOD GOLF WIFE!

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Mart ha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
 
Sodbuster

Sodbuster

ArboristSite Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
59
Location
Deville, Louisiana
talking frog

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.

"He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
 
Sodbuster

Sodbuster

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Messages
59
Location
Deville, Louisiana
pirate captain

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."
 
Sodbuster

Sodbuster

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Jan 8, 2008
Messages
59
Location
Deville, Louisiana
stuttering

Little Johnny was sitting in a Biology class, when his teacher states as fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says, "You're wrong, teacher!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?", replies the teacher.

Well, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The Neighbor’s Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could finish the dog ate him up!"
 
country boy

country boy

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Messages
276
Location
Bloomfield Iowa
deer camp

This is too darn funny!!!!!!
>>>
>>>The guys were all at
>>> deer camp We had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to
>>>room with
>>> Dale because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair
>>>to make
>>> one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to
>>>take
>>> turns.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Jerry slept in the room with Dale the first night and comes
>>>to
>>>breakfast the next
>>> morning with his hair a mess,(like you could tell it was a
>>>mess) and
>>>his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
>>> "Jerry, what happened to you?"
>>>He said, "Dale snored so loudly, I just
>>> sat up and watched him all night."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The next night it was Tom's turn. In the morning,
>>> same thing--hair all standing up, (what little bit he has),
>>>eyes all
>>>blood-shot. They said,
>>> "Tom, what happened to you? You look awful!"
>>>He said, "Man, that
>>> Dale shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all
>>> night."
>>>
>>>The third night was Sam's turn. Sam was a
>>> big burly kid, (most didn't think of him as being real
>>>smart).
>>>The next morning Sam came
>>> to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning,"
>>>he said.
>>>
>>>They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
>>>Sam said, "Well, we got ready for
>>> bed. I went and tucked Dale into bed and kissed him good
>>>night. He
>>> sat up and watched me all night.
 
country boy

country boy

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Messages
276
Location
Bloomfield Iowa
broke back mountain lady

Broke Back Mountain Lady



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'


Now that's funny!
If your mine thought the wrong way say a little prayer.
 
Sprig

Sprig

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Oct 18, 2005
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3,216
Location
SaltSpring Island BC Can.
Mary-Anne and her cousin Jesse were out in the garden one fine fall day, digging potatos and pulling carrots.
Jesse in the carrot patch pulls out an enormous one, a foot long and thick as her wrist.
"Hey Mary look at dis one!" she hollers, "Dis reminds me of my old man!"

"Oooooooo, that big?"

"No no no, that dirty!"











Ya, it be bad *hangs head* :D :D
 
scotclayshooter

scotclayshooter

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Nov 25, 2007
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Location
Scotland
3 viking ship approach the far north of scotland, In the 2 lead boats the men are all singing and pulling hard on the oars full of enthusiasm for attacking some poor scots village, The 3rd boat slowly limps in behind no singing the oars not taking full strokes.
After they all land the leader shouts "men of boat 1 stealing and pillaging" this is rewarded with great cheers
"Boat 2 Burning and destroying" more loud cheering
at which point someone in boat 3 groans o no not rape again!
 
kruege84

kruege84

ArboristSite Guru
Joined
Jan 30, 2008
Messages
515
Location
MI
Heard a few jokes a couple days ago. There pretty bad but I got a good laugh out of them.

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?

A: Fo' Drizzle


Q: What's red and orange and looks good on a hippy?

A: FIRE!!


Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

A: Half of a cat
 
teacherman

teacherman

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Joined
Feb 17, 2008
Messages
4,507
Location
New Hampshire
Tree Hugger

THE TREE HUGGER A woman from Austin , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long" He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." !! GOD BLESS TEXAS !!
 
ray benson

ray benson

Tree Freak
Joined
Sep 11, 2002
Messages
27,397
Location
Indiana
How I learned to mind my own business





I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...
 
ray benson

ray benson

Tree Freak
Joined
Sep 11, 2002
Messages
27,397
Location
Indiana
As the new CEO was taking over, he asked the former chief if he could give him any advice. The outgoing CEO said he would leave something useful in the top drawer of the desk.

On his first Monday at the helm, the new CEO opened the top drawer. There was a note and 3 envelopes, numbered 1 through 3. The instructions were to open the envelopes in order as a crisis in business would arise. The new CEO shoved the note and envelopes to the back of the drawer.

Things ran smoothly for 6 to 8 months but then, sure enough, something went haywire and the CEO didn't know what to do. The board of directors wanted answers. He thought, "What the heck." and opened the first envelope.

The note inside said: "Blame the previous management." The CEO made an announcement that the company had hit a bump in the road because of the previous management's activities and that it would all soon be corrected. The board was satisfied that all was well.

Another year passed and sure enough another crisis came. The CEO reached into the top drawer and plucked out the 2nd envelope. The note said "Reorganize/restructure." He now told the board that the company needed a restructuring and that then all would be fine.

All was fine for about 18 months but then all loads of turds were hitting the fan. The CEO anxiously fumbled through the drawer and ripped the 3rd envelope open. This had better be good.



The note inside confused him at first as it said: "Prepare 3 envelopes."
 
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