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Official joke thread

WildThang098

WildThang098

ArboristSite Lurker
Joined
Aug 9, 2014
Messages
14
Location
Tuscarawas, Ohio
YMs4g.jpg

'NUFF SAID :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
Raintree

Raintree

Penguins are tasty
Joined
Jun 3, 2012
Messages
3,312
Location
TN
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: " Get out, you moron, you're on my side. "
 
philoshop

philoshop

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Jan 1, 2012
Messages
5,611
Location
geneva, ny
SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR.....


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his

wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian

medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored

to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband

went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old

Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder

warned, ''This is a powerful medicine. You take only a

teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you

will become more manly than you have ever been in your

life, and you can perform for as long as you want."


The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away,

he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from

working. "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded,

"but when she does, the medicine will not work again

until the next full moon."


He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,

showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,

and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,

"1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife

was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and

then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition, because we could

end up with a dangling participle.
 
066blaster

066blaster

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Dec 10, 2012
Messages
2,172
Location
West Bend, WI
A non religious man walks past a church and the pastor waves him over and asks him to join him for the 7:00 service. He hands him the bulletin for the service and the man took a seat. He looked at the front of the bulletin and it said "jesus walks on water" the guy though this jesus guy must be a miracle from God if he can truelly walk on water, and he decided to stay for the service. A couple minutes into the service the man fell asleep... He woke up after the service and the pastor ask what he thought. The man said he would like to stay for the 9:00 service. The pastor handed him the bulletin for that service. The man looked at the cover and it read " searching for jesus" the man crumpled it up through it in the garbage and walked out.
 
Dave Hadden

Dave Hadden

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
May 26, 2007
Messages
3,815
Location
Campbell River, BC
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. :laugh::laugh:


Take care.
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Jan 31, 2012
Messages
3,631
Location
Norcal, Bay Area
FEMALE DENTIST

A guy went to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank.

Quickly the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked.

The dentist replied, "Viagra."

"Well, I'll be," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Jan 31, 2012
Messages
3,631
Location
Norcal, Bay Area
Sound advice for everybody in 2015………………

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again
receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.


This is indeed a very exciting program, and
I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:



Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?


A. It is money that the federal government
will send to taxpayers.



Q.Where will the government get this money ?


A. From taxpayers.



Q. So the government is giving me back my
own money ?


A. Only a smidgen of it.



Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?


A. The plan is for you to use the money to
purchase a ; high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of
China ?


A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best
help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at
Wal-Mart, the money will ; go to China or Sri Lanka .



* If you spend it on gasoline, your money
will go to theArabs.



* If you purchase a computer, it will go to
India , Taiwan or ; China ...



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it
will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ...


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to
Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go
to Taiwan .


* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy
stock, it will go ; to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or


2) Going to ball games, or


3) Spending it on prostitutes, or


4) Beer or


5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses
still operating in the U.S. )


Conclusion:


Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute
that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !



No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could
be of help.
 
fossil

fossil

Eh?
Joined
Jan 10, 2012
Messages
6,458
Location
Southern Ontario
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Jan 31, 2012
Messages
3,631
Location
Norcal, Bay Area
Just so you know!
Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home PlanSay you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no
Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plangives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four
bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll
receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air
conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a
hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as
they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just
told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get
rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more
income taxes.
Is this a great country or what?
Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week ….
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
Jan 31, 2012
Messages
3,631
Location
Norcal, Bay Area
Letter from camp...


Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam
when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us
take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to
see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are
fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

Addicted to ArboristSite
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Jan 31, 2012
Messages
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Location
Norcal, Bay Area
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!! >

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. >

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 > years earlier. >

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel > schedules. >

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. >

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left > out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the > e-mail. >

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. >

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. >

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. >

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. >

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read >

To: My Loving Wife > Subject: I've Arrived > Date: June 28, 2014 >

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. >

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. >

Looking forward to seeing you then! > Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. > >

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! > > > >
 
leadarrows

leadarrows

Tree Freak
Joined
Oct 19, 2002
Messages
14,152
Location
Indiana
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

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Jan 31, 2012
Messages
3,631
Location
Norcal, Bay Area
How Yodeling Started


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .



Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went Up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.?

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.



As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is That man going into the barn?"



"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."



The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.



The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.


Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly.


She also headed straight to bed.



The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"

she Cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"



"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with My daughter!"



The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


























"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
 
singinwoodwackr

singinwoodwackr

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
Norcal, Bay Area
A farmer had 5 female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers wereworn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
 
bikemike

bikemike

loud pipes save lives
Joined
Dec 16, 2012
Messages
3,945
Location
Cottage grove mn
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
out of the same glass twice either."

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."



God Bless America !
What kinda beaner cares about safety?

Carabiner
 
Dave Hadden

Dave Hadden

Addicted to ArboristSite
Joined
May 26, 2007
Messages
3,815
Location
Campbell River, BC
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife ................she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over ....women like that are hard to find."




Take care.
 
stihlslinger

stihlslinger

ArboristSite Member
Joined
May 31, 2015
Messages
88
Location
Missouri
A woman jus got a new job at the tickle me Elmo factory the boss says you're job is to give each one two test tickles. The next day she shows up with a sack of waluts and thread and starts sewing them on.
 
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