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turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Newman, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Newman, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's specimen to the lab
yesterday, a specimen from another Mr. Newman arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the
results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Newman asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
Other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Newman.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
Ten Reasons Men prefer guns over Women


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
How many men does it take to open a beer?



None. It should be opened when she brings it

-------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?




It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


----


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?




The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up to the bar the first brunette asks for a "W.W." The bartender not knowing what she wanted politely asked if she could explain just what a "W.W." is.

The brunette replied that it was a white wine.

The second brunette walks up to the bar and asks for a "V.S." The

bartender, a little perplexed now, looks at her and asks, "is this is stump the bartender night or what." The brunette giving a teasing smile tells the bartender that a "V.S." is a vodka sour. The bartender gave her the drink and she walked away.

The blonde steps up to the bar and giggling she asks for a "15." The
bartender, a little fed up with these ladies, rather rudely asks , "what
in the HECK a "15" is?!?" The blond promptly replies, "like, duh, you know...

a 7 and 7!"
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
A bus full of housewives went to a picnic but fell into a river and everyone on board dies.
All the husbands cried for almost a week but a guy cried over three weeks. One of them consoles him and asked," Do you miss your wife so much." He replies ,"No, my wife missed the bus."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
A woman has a problem with her closet door as it's falling out every time a bus passes by. So she calls a repairman.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time a bus passes by.

"OK, I'm going to take a look at this, just close the door behind me," and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband says, "What the heck are you doing here?"

Repairman replies, "You won't believe it, but I'm waiting for the bus."...!
 
turnkey4099

turnkey4099

Tree Freak
Joined
Feb 27, 2002
Messages
18,594
Location
se washington
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
 
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