avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
With the firewood season running wide open, here are a few tips to stay on the good side of your firewood guy.Feel free to add any that grinds your gears.
1.When I say I dont take checks, I mean I dont take checks.I accept cash,visa, mastercard,and Discover.Dont have me show up with a load of wood,drop it on the ground, then break out your check book.
2.Dont give me directions to your house, give me an address.Landmarks such as "turn right at the herd of goats" doesnt help much.My GPS can generally find your house faster.By the way, that herd of goats?I never did see em.Funny how things move around all on their own.
3.Dont call me when its 10 degrees out and snowing, call me the day before.If you decide that you need the wood delivered in a snow storm,dont be surprised when I tell you that you are going to have to wait until the weather clears.
4.Tell me ahead of time that you have a narrow driveway big enough for a volkswagon.I dont care that you ride your unicycle to work.I deliver wood with a truck,not a wheelbarrow.Im sorry that suprises you.And no,Im not hauling it from the road in your sons little red wagon.I have better things to do with my time.
5.Pen your friggin dog up in the house when I arrive.I have grown weary of trying to unload wood in a snowstorm with Fifi knawing on my leg.It slows me down and makes me rather irritable when I have to sew my pants up before I stop at walmart for a box of band aids.
6.The ad says nothing about stacking, it says "DELIVERED".Im truly sorry that you take this to mean delivered up 68 flights of stairs,over broken tricycles,through the hog pen,out through the kitchen, and stacked neatly on your back deck.
7.Dont ask me how well its going to burn.You are asking for an opinion, of course my opinion is going to be,"it wil burn great".Firewood burns if you know how to start a fire.I dont do "test"burns in your stove to prove how good it burns.I deliver wood,you start the fire.
8.Dont ask for a discount. I dont care that you lost your job, grandma is sick, the dog is pregnant,your barn needs a new roof,your Ferrari needs a new leather seat,or your only source of income is scamming folks on the internet and lately business has been off a bit.My price is plainly stated in the ad.If I choose to give you a discount,its because of what I see when I get there, not what you tell me.
9.Your right, firewood guys are rip off artists who charge an arm and a leg because we have a chainsaw and yours got stolen.After all, cutting firewood is rather easy work,the equipement is cheap to buy,and everyone has a pickup.From last years proffits I bought a snickers bar,two cokes, and a handful of chains.
10.Tell your wife to put some clothes on before I get there.I am truly sorry that you had hoped that a half naked woman would result in a discount.Bathrobes do not count as clothes.By the way, next time you are thinking about trying that, borrow your neighbors wife.Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe.On the plus side, you saved me the huge expense of dinner last night,for some mysterious reason I just wasnt hungry.Shoot,when I think about it,even my lab wasnt hungry,and she stayed in the truck!
1.When I say I dont take checks, I mean I dont take checks.I accept cash,visa, mastercard,and Discover.Dont have me show up with a load of wood,drop it on the ground, then break out your check book.
2.Dont give me directions to your house, give me an address.Landmarks such as "turn right at the herd of goats" doesnt help much.My GPS can generally find your house faster.By the way, that herd of goats?I never did see em.Funny how things move around all on their own.
3.Dont call me when its 10 degrees out and snowing, call me the day before.If you decide that you need the wood delivered in a snow storm,dont be surprised when I tell you that you are going to have to wait until the weather clears.
4.Tell me ahead of time that you have a narrow driveway big enough for a volkswagon.I dont care that you ride your unicycle to work.I deliver wood with a truck,not a wheelbarrow.Im sorry that suprises you.And no,Im not hauling it from the road in your sons little red wagon.I have better things to do with my time.
5.Pen your friggin dog up in the house when I arrive.I have grown weary of trying to unload wood in a snowstorm with Fifi knawing on my leg.It slows me down and makes me rather irritable when I have to sew my pants up before I stop at walmart for a box of band aids.
6.The ad says nothing about stacking, it says "DELIVERED".Im truly sorry that you take this to mean delivered up 68 flights of stairs,over broken tricycles,through the hog pen,out through the kitchen, and stacked neatly on your back deck.
7.Dont ask me how well its going to burn.You are asking for an opinion, of course my opinion is going to be,"it wil burn great".Firewood burns if you know how to start a fire.I dont do "test"burns in your stove to prove how good it burns.I deliver wood,you start the fire.
8.Dont ask for a discount. I dont care that you lost your job, grandma is sick, the dog is pregnant,your barn needs a new roof,your Ferrari needs a new leather seat,or your only source of income is scamming folks on the internet and lately business has been off a bit.My price is plainly stated in the ad.If I choose to give you a discount,its because of what I see when I get there, not what you tell me.
9.Your right, firewood guys are rip off artists who charge an arm and a leg because we have a chainsaw and yours got stolen.After all, cutting firewood is rather easy work,the equipement is cheap to buy,and everyone has a pickup.From last years proffits I bought a snickers bar,two cokes, and a handful of chains.
10.Tell your wife to put some clothes on before I get there.I am truly sorry that you had hoped that a half naked woman would result in a discount.Bathrobes do not count as clothes.By the way, next time you are thinking about trying that, borrow your neighbors wife.Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe.On the plus side, you saved me the huge expense of dinner last night,for some mysterious reason I just wasnt hungry.Shoot,when I think about it,even my lab wasnt hungry,and she stayed in the truck!
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