Ten things I hate about you

[avalancher]

With the firewood season running wide open, here are a few tips to stay on the good side of your firewood guy.Feel free to add any that grinds your gears.

1.When I say I dont take checks, I mean I dont take checks.I accept cash,visa, mastercard,and Discover.Dont have me show up with a load of wood,drop it on the ground, then break out your check book.

2.Dont give me directions to your house, give me an address.Landmarks such as "turn right at the herd of goats" doesnt help much.My GPS can generally find your house faster.By the way, that herd of goats?I never did see em.Funny how things move around all on their own.

3.Dont call me when its 10 degrees out and snowing, call me the day before.If you decide that you need the wood delivered in a snow storm,dont be surprised when I tell you that you are going to have to wait until the weather clears.

4.Tell me ahead of time that you have a narrow driveway big enough for a volkswagon.I dont care that you ride your unicycle to work.I deliver wood with a truck,not a wheelbarrow.Im sorry that suprises you.And no,Im not hauling it from the road in your sons little red wagon.I have better things to do with my time.

5.Pen your friggin dog up in the house when I arrive.I have grown weary of trying to unload wood in a snowstorm with Fifi knawing on my leg.It slows me down and makes me rather irritable when I have to sew my pants up before I stop at walmart for a box of band aids.

6.The ad says nothing about stacking, it says "DELIVERED".Im truly sorry that you take this to mean delivered up 68 flights of stairs,over broken tricycles,through the hog pen,out through the kitchen, and stacked neatly on your back deck.

7.Dont ask me how well its going to burn.You are asking for an opinion, of course my opinion is going to be,"it wil burn great".Firewood burns if you know how to start a fire.I dont do "test"burns in your stove to prove how good it burns.I deliver wood,you start the fire.

8.Dont ask for a discount. I dont care that you lost your job, grandma is sick, the dog is pregnant,your barn needs a new roof,your Ferrari needs a new leather seat,or your only source of income is scamming folks on the internet and lately business has been off a bit.My price is plainly stated in the ad.If I choose to give you a discount,its because of what I see when I get there, not what you tell me.

9.Your right, firewood guys are rip off artists who charge an arm and a leg because we have a chainsaw and yours got stolen.After all, cutting firewood is rather easy work,the equipement is cheap to buy,and everyone has a pickup.From last years proffits I bought a snickers bar,two cokes, and a handful of chains.

10.Tell your wife to put some clothes on before I get there.I am truly sorry that you had hoped that a half naked woman would result in a discount.Bathrobes do not count as clothes.By the way, next time you are thinking about trying that, borrow your neighbors wife.Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe.On the plus side, you saved me the huge expense of dinner last night,for some mysterious reason I just wasnt hungry.Shoot,when I think about it,even my lab wasnt hungry,and she stayed in the truck!

 

[woodbooga]

uh-oh. sounds like someone had a bad day.

 

[SLVRTRC]

hahah too funny

 

[Curlycherry1]

uh-oh. sounds like someone had a bad day.

Sounds like someone had a typical day.

I would add:

When I call and say I am on my way and will be there in 21 minutes and 30 seconds, I mean it, so please get the ferkin cars out of the way. Clean the kids bikes and toys out of the garage where I am going to throw the wood. Don't make we wait there for 15 minutes while you hunt for your keys so you can move you cars and then another 10 minutes while you move all the garage junk out of the way.

When I call and say I will be there in 21 minutes and 30 seconds, please control your primal urges to get frisky with your spouse. I do not like to surprise people getting busy on the LR floor and it is hard to communicate with folks that are suffering from coitus interruptus. It makes your head pretty empty and thus hard to do business with.

Don't ask me how long the green garbage wood you bought from some other fly by night seller sold you will take to dry. I am going to be a pain and tell you it will take a long, long time, especially since it is stacked in your garage and is getting no air circulation around it. I sat on my wood for over a year and thus tied up a lot of capital so I could provide you with a good product and it frustrates me to no end when crooks take my bread and butter and I am suppose to tell you how to fix the problem.

 

[Curlycherry1]

Moderators please delete this thread!
We don't want the public to think that all firewood sellers are walking around with so many issues! We are mostly just norml folks like everyone else!
/

Speak for yourself, I got issues, lots of issues.

It is one of the reasons I am not in the business any more. My brother now runs the show and so I get to listen to his wife (who handles most of the deliveries) beyotch about some of their customers. She is a tough lady so she does not take much garbage from them. The ones that are a real pain (50+ mile delivery route, stack it on a 3rd floor balcony, etc) she charges for all those services.

 

[woodbooga]

10.Tell your wife to put some clothes on before I get there.I am truly sorry that you had hoped that a half naked woman would result in a discount.Bathrobes do not count as clothes.By the way, next time you are thinking about trying that, borrow your neighbors wife.Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe.On the plus side, you saved me the huge expense of dinner last night,for some mysterious reason I just wasnt hungry.Shoot,when I think about it,even my lab wasnt hungry,and she stayed in the truck!

Next time this happens, just hum this little diddy to yourself.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PfRtdDHZwHU&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PfRtdDHZwHU&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

 

[wkpoor]

#4 and #5 oh yeh. People live in some of the most god for saken places. Narrow drive with low over hanging trees and no apron to the road with deep ditches on both sides so you can't pull in with a trailer. And then if you do find a way in and pull up to the house with branches scrapping the truck all up at the end of this glorious travel there will always be a big barking dog who is not glad to see you. Why do people who know you are coming insist on leaving the dog out is beyond me.....or yeh.... he's just harmless while I'm trying to get this dog off me that is s tall as I am and won't get down. Sometimes I think the delivery is more challenging the getting the wood in the first place.
Good Post!

 

[gorrie16]

I'm the fence with this post. This probably wont make friends here I understand that your job is to produce and deliver as much firewood as possible as quickly as possible. But when someone is paying you an agreed upon amount of money for X amount of firewood, you being the service provider should be at least friendly to the people forking over the cash. If you dont like it you can take you truck full of wood and go some where else. If i was your customer and I was treated poorly (based on your post), I'd tell you to get the hell out of my driveway.

With that being said, I agree that your customers should be ready for your delievery with the spot its going ready to accept the wood. Whenever I get a delivery of any type I make sure the delivery person has an easy enough time doing their job as possible.

I know and I'm sure others on this site have been burned by firewood deliveries before and I'm sure it will happen to others (not saying you screw people) but when burned in the past I know I wouldnt make the same mistakes I made the first. The extra care on my part would probably piss many firewood delivery people off. My wallet is my main concern though, not yours.

 

[Haywire Haywood]

10. Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe

Yoo Picky Bastige, take what is offered and be happy with it. LOL

Ian

 

[avalancher]

I'm the fence with this post. This probably wont make friends here I understand that your job is to produce and deliver as much firewood as possible as quickly as possible. But when someone is paying you an agreed upon amount of money for X amount of firewood, you being the service provider should be at least friendly to the people forking over the cash. If you dont like it you can take you truck full of wood and go some where else. If i was your customer and I was treated poorly (based on your post), I'd tell you to get the hell out of my driveway.

With that being said, I agree that your customers should be ready for your delievery with the spot its going ready to accept the wood. Whenever I get a delivery of any type I make sure the delivery person has an easy enough time doing their job as possible.

I know and I'm sure others on this site have been burned by firewood deliveries before and I'm sure it will happen to others (not saying you screw people) but when burned in the past I know I wouldnt make the same mistakes I made the first. The extra care on my part would probably piss many firewood delivery people off. My wallet is my main concern though, not yours.

Now where in the he11 did I say I wasnt friendly or that I treated folks poorly?Im probably the friendliest guy you have ever met!I rarely say anything to anyone, but rather stay firm on my policies.You get one XXX amount of wood,dropped at your doorstep.I dont light fires, carry wood to the back porch, etc.
I was merely plopping down some of the irks that go along with delivering wood to folks with a touch of humor added to it.In fact, that last time(this weekend)I got bit by their stinking rat dog with a smile on my face.
Okay, i smiled after they got the dog corraled, but sheesshhh.

 

[belgian]

sounds like someone had a typical day.

.

+10 !

 

[603doug]

Pretty much all the above for anyone in business.
I would add "I thought the economy is bad, so why has the price gone up" or as a dub said to me the other day "Your not hungry enough to drill my well" and my response was and I charge a fair price and not going hungry on your job plus if I am going to give work away it is going to be for someone I like.

 

[avalancher]

I'm the fence with this post. This probably wont make friends here I understand that your job is to produce and deliver as much firewood as possible as quickly as possible. But when someone is paying you an agreed upon amount of money for X amount of firewood, you being the service provider should be at least friendly to the people forking over the cash. If you dont like it you can take you truck full of wood and go some where else. If i was your customer and I was treated poorly (based on your post), I'd tell you to get the hell out of my driveway.

With that being said, I agree that your customers should be ready for your delievery with the spot its going ready to accept the wood. Whenever I get a delivery of any type I make sure the delivery person has an easy enough time doing their job as possible.

I know and I'm sure others on this site have been burned by firewood deliveries before and I'm sure it will happen to others (not saying you screw people) but when burned in the past I know I wouldnt make the same mistakes I made the first. The extra care on my part would probably piss many firewood delivery people off. My wallet is my main concern though, not yours.

Here, I did a few minor changes to my list, maybe this will be more to your liking?

1. Of course I take checks!.I take checks,cash, all major credit cards, food stamps, dead and live chickens, farm produce, your first born as long as he is potty trained, pesos, euros, canadian currency, a quickie with your wife or oldest daughter.
Car parts, tractor parts, barn wood, owl droppings, chicken manure, cow dung, doggie doo doos.
computer parts, wood carvings, good used tires, loads of gravel, firewood, peat moss, flowers,old newspapers, aluminum,brass,copper and other scrap metal.We take any form of payment!

2.You have a lovely home.I am hoping that the few particles of wood chips that fall from my truck will not bother you until I have the time to sweep them up.

3.You have such a lively little doggie.He looks so cute attached to my brand new levis.Whats his name?

4.Dont mind the scratches on my truck, I needed a new one anyway.The worried look on my face from your driveway being stapled on the side of a hill will go away once the afore mentioned doggie tears my leg off.How cute!

5.This is the finest firewood you have ever had delivered.May I lay a fire for you?

6.I give discounts to veterans, old folks, white folks, black folks, illegal immigrants, dog and cat owners, and anyone who has a fireplace or woodstove.
7.I may be a rip off artist, but I am the friendliest rip off artist you have ever met.I will be happy to stop at the sheriffs office on the way home and politely request 164 lashes.

8.I am happy to deliver in a snow storm.It merly provides me with a little excitement that is so lacking in my life.

9.I turned at the herd of goats like you suggested.Eleven hours later ,but hey, here I am!

10. Maam,you look lovely in that pink bathrobe!My, you certainly are well endowed!My wife would be so jealous!May I have your autograph?You remind me of Michael Jackson...ummm, I mean Whitney Houston. Firewood is on me today!

 

[Billy_Bob]

I live in a rural area and no one uses addresses.

What they like to do is give directions and include a landmark of something which "used to be there".

So they will say drive down such and so road until you get to where the red barn used to be, etc. (And that red barn has not been there for 15 years!)

It does not occur to them that someone may be "new" to the area and not know where that red barn was...

 

[Curlycherry1]

I too was a polite as could be even with the rude customers. As for the little dogs that is the reason to have a real dog in the truck. Roll down the window and have the big dog you own bark a deep bark and the little dog will not be a problem. Been there done that. I also took a shower and cleaned up before I delivered big loads of wood. If I was going to a 10 cord delivery I would make sure I did not look like the typical scruffyjustcrawledoutfromunderalog woodchuck.

 

[Curlycherry1]

I like directions with landmarks. It is kind of hard to read road signs when going 50 mph. My dad was amazing at landmarks. He sent me from Syracuse NY to Rome NY one day and said "turn at the big brown cow." Not seeing a cow I stopped and asked for directions. At the end of the day after working all day we rounded a corner while heading home and right there was a sign for a steakhouse and the sign was the world's largest fiberglass cow. Darn thing was about 50' long and 35' high. No way in heck would we have missed it if I had just believed dad and kept going just a little bit further.

 

[Haywire Haywood]

A guy at work borrowed my splitter last week and when he went to return it, asked for my address, confident that his Tom-Tom would put him exactly on my doorstep. His little computer took him on the most convoluted, back road, up and down hill route conceivable. When he showed up at my place 2 hours later than he said he would and I heard the story, I just had to laugh. Apparently this isn't the first time his high tech navigation device took him on a wild goose chase. Type my address into Google Maps, and it'll get you within about 1/2 mile of me, but that's about it. I'm about 7 miles from the city limits, so I'm not that remote.

Ian

 

[Curlycherry1]

Oh, one more gripe. To the customer that says "you delivered to me last year, you will remember the place." People, I delivered close to 1000 face cords of wood last year to over 500 separate addresses. I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU OR WHERE YOU LIVE! My SIL still gets that at least once per day and she is delivering 2X+ what I used to deliver.

 

[avalancher]

I too was a polite as could be even with the rude customers. As for the little dogs that is the reason to have a real dog in the truck. Roll down the window and have the big dog you own bark a deep bark and the little dog will not be a problem. Been there done that. I also took a shower and cleaned up before I delivered big loads of wood. If I was going to a 10 cord delivery I would make sure I did not look like the typical scruffyjustcrawledoutfromunderalog woodchuck.

I agree with you on this one, appearance can really make a difference on how you are received.I keep a stack of clean white t shirts in the truck and change after each load if I am making more than one drop off.Dont change my pants, but a clean shirt, a clean truck, and a quick brush of your hair can make all the difference in how you are received.

Folks, dont get me wrong, all these things are not common occurences in deliveries,but rather an accumulation of years making deliveries.It doesnt help that a great deal of folks that I deliver to are very rural mtn folks who are in many ways to ignorant to know any better.
The rest of them are tourists that have a tendency to look down on the "working" class of guys such as myself.The mtn cabin rental folks have got to be the worst to deal with.

 

[Curlycherry1]

Type my address into Google Maps, and it'll get you within about 1/2 mile of me, but that's about it. I'm about 7 miles from the city limits, so I'm not that remote.
Ian

Psst, I hate to break it to you but maybe the Earth trying to lose you.