Hey Avalancher..."Dog Days"
- Thread starter CrappieKeith
- Start date
Help Support Arborist Forum:
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
I dont know.Last time I told a story to common folks,it got pretty ugly.We were at a YMCA Boys camp out,and some of the kids were pestering for a good story.I thought about it a bit,then launched into a time when I was hired for security for a Elton John concert.It was my first time being at a shin dig like that,and the first time I had ever encountered folks like that as well.Lets just say they are "different".Needless to say, I had never seen folks like that, and they sure as shootin had never run across someone like me.
Well,anyway, as my story progressed,mouths dropped open,fathers gathered their kids closer,and just as my story was winding down, one of the fathers leaned over and said, "You aint right in the head,are you?"
From then on I went with the "hatchet man in the woods", "Ghosts in the lake" kinda crap,and the fathers went to bed easy like while the kids looked at the lake with a tinge of fear.
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
I'm open to bribes.
How about a cord of seasoned white oak and a barely eaten Snickers bar?Its fresh except for the dent in the side where I sat on the edge of it on the way home.
woodbooga
cords of mystic memory
A truly generous offer. I genuinely mean that.
But your offering me your wood and some chocolate from your bum falls a bit off the mark of my expectations.
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
Well,let me see what I can scrounge up.I think I got some Wendy's coupons in the glove box.
woodbooga
cords of mystic memory
Now we're getting somewhere. Got any pictures of this Wendy? Any closeups of her box would help greatly in my deliberations.
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
I dont know about her box,havent gotten that close to take a look.But she cooks a pretty good burger,if you overlook the latest health inspection report.
<img src="http://www.mlsisland.com/Logos/wendyslogo.jpg"</a>
<a href="http://www.mlsisland.com"><p style="font-size:1px; color: white;"><font color=white>
flat fee mls ny</font size></font></a>
<img src="http://www.mlsisland.com/Logos/wendyslogo.jpg"</a>
<a href="http://www.mlsisland.com"><p style="font-size:1px; color: white;"><font color=white>
flat fee mls ny</font size></font></a>
woodbooga
cords of mystic memory
I may have to rescind any expression of interest.
I do note, however, that this particular Wendy has red hair. You may wish to re-extend your offer to stihl sawing.
If Wendy fails to tickle his fancy, plan b can be offering him your wood and butt chocolate.
greengoblin
Addicted to ArboristSite
I have to totally agree. You have no idea how GREAT of writer you are, not good but GREAT. You have a talent that very few writers have. You can make people laugh, smile, get upset, cry, etc.... That is a talent that even very few trained and professional writers have that ability. You cant teach something like that, is something you have or dont have in my opinion. I would buy your book in a heartbeat. It wouldnt have to a book perse, more like "Chicken Soup for the Rednecks Soul". Just a few short stories.
woodguy105
ArboristSite Guru
a have a lump in my throat the size of a soft ball ...
Crappie Keith thanks for passing along that to your readers and Avalancher thanks for sharing what you went through.
All the best guys.
Rob
Crappie Keith thanks for passing along that to your readers and Avalancher thanks for sharing what you went through.
All the best guys.
Rob
amateur cutter
ArboristSite Operative
Yep, I'd pay full retail, & get enough for everybody for Christmas too, but, I want a signed copy, & handshake to go with em.
Now as far as the Avalancher for president thing I don't think he'd stand a chance. 3 strikes against him before he even starts. Country boy common sense, humility, & honesty. Way too much character there to run for any office, & have much of a chance. Oh yea, & I forgot, he actually seems to care about others too.
I vote you write the book of stories, I'm betting you'll be really surprised at how well it would be received. Besides that if you do it, you'll never have to look back & wonder " what if ". A C
Avalancher
Woodbooga 2012
Now as far as the Avalancher for president thing I don't think he'd stand a chance. 3 strikes against him before he even starts. Country boy common sense, humility, & honesty. Way too much character there to run for any office, & have much of a chance. Oh yea, & I forgot, he actually seems to care about others too.
I vote you write the book of stories, I'm betting you'll be really surprised at how well it would be received. Besides that if you do it, you'll never have to look back & wonder " what if ". A C
Avalancher
Woodbooga 2012
avalancher, I read the story and it brought tears to my eyes. I just lost my last adult Springer Spaniel July 10th. I picked up a new pup last Saturday, but I still miss Cal.
I believe that a collection of short stories would do well in book form. You definately have a talent. Country boy or not!
rep sent.
I believe that a collection of short stories would do well in book form. You definately have a talent. Country boy or not!
rep sent.
svon89
ArboristSite Operative
I think a book of short stories would sell no problem. Roger Welsh and his book rusty knuckles and busted tractors started a great series of stories. Kind of have to like old tractors to like the basis of the book, but well written and everyone I loaned the book to have bought the rest of the series.
Write it and I am sure you will be surprised how well it would sell.
Write it and I am sure you will be surprised how well it would sell.
CrappieKeith
Addicted to ArboristSite
I've got to hear this Elton John story??????
Uncle AV...please tell the story...please...
Uncle AV...please tell the story...please...
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
Well, that was a long time ago, but here it is as best as I remember it.No polish, no glitter, just the way I remember it.
Well,its kinda like this.
Some years ago, right after I first got married, things kinda dried up in the truck shop that I was working at, and in the end I ended up looking for a job.The kind hearted woman at the employment agency looked over my application, and after noting one entry of past employment as "Military Police" decided she had just the job for me in Pensacola Florida, not to far from where I was living at the time.
I took the address and wound my over to the security office of the local arena, and met with the head of security there, and to make a long story short he gave me the job and told me my first assignment would be helping with security at the concert the following night.I figured, well hell, how hard can that be?
The following afternoon I made my way to work after stopping by the local curb store for a good dose of caffeine. I have always been fond of Mt Dew, and it seemed only fitting that I should not only be awake but be jazzed up in preparations for the hooligans that were sure to be in atttendance of "some rock concert"
After receiving my instructions, I made my way on up to the area where the food court was just in time to see some of the patrons starting to make their way into the building.To be honest with you, i was a little concerned at what I was witnessing..Their dress and behaviour was unlike anything that I had seen before, and I thought that maybe I had made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a bridal shower somehow.
To make sure that I really was seeing what I thought I was, I stopped by the hot dog vendor and asked him what the hell was going on with all the rock star folks, they sure were dressed pretty wild. The old guy turned his tired eyes on me, looked me up and down a few minutes, read my name tag, and slowly grinned. "These aint rock stars man, these are followers of Elton John."
"Who?"
And that is when the grin faded.Im sure there are plenty of folks that have heard of Elton John, but I had never heard of the gentleman.What kind of name is Elton anyway?Does he play the violin or something?Then it dawned on me, he was playing a prank on me by turning the name around, kind of like they do in the military. The old man figured I guess that this old country boy couldnt tell that a prank was being played on him by turning the name around and forgetting the comma in between and should read Elton, John. And it made sense to me after that.
"Well, what does John do anyway?And how did he get famous enough to have a concert this big?And whats with all the fancy ladies all dressed up in feathers?Does he like birds or something?"
I never did get much out of that old man after that, but I reckon it was because he was so busy handing out hotdogs to everyone, so I figured that it was best that I move on and check out the "beer garden".Now I dont know about you, but I had never seen beer being tapped right out of the tree, but figured it must be something like a maple tree where they tap the tree and maple syrup comes right out.I had read all about it in readers digest when I was a kid, and thought that maybe you could get beer the same way.Kind of wondered at the time how they managed to grow trees in all that concrete, but I guess scientists can do just about anything these days.
As I was kind of moseying along and keeping an eye out for some really big trees, I found a long line heading into the mens room.Not a really big deal I guess, but the problem was all them women were standing in the wrong line. There must have been 60 women all lined up for the mens room, and hardly any women waiting to get into the ladies room, but I figured that in all the excitement with all the feathers flying around they must have gotten mixed up.Being the helpful kind of guy that I am, I decided to help em all out and point them in the right line.
As I neared the line, I noticed the lady at the end kinda hopping around like she really had to pee and I figured that if anyone really needed some help, it was her. I quietly took her by the elbow and whispered, "Your in the wrong line, try that one" and pointed at the ladies room.My but did she smell nice.Kinda flowery all over, but not like a grandma kind of way.
"You think it will be alright?I really need to take a leak!"
"Sure, just go on in, aint nobody in that line,besides this is the mens line anyway."
Well, she sure was rude.I thought for a minute that she was going to clobber me, but I reckon that big stick I was carrying and that shiny badge told her that it wouldnt be a good idea.But instead she decided to cuss me out, using words I aint heard since I left the Navy.Come to think of it, she even came up with some new ones.
The ladies that were ahead in the line all heard the ruckus of coarse, and turned around to see what was going on.After little miss "I gotta pee" got done yelling,I simply told the rest of the ladies that there was no sense in everyone standing in that line when they were free to use the other bathroom, and pointed out the womens powder room to em.I guess they all really had to pee too, because faster than my dog can chase a squirrel, they were all hustling into the ladies room to powder their nose.I never did figure out why miss "I gotta pee" got so mad, but I reckon it was because I embarrassed her by pointing out she was in the wrong line.
I had just made my way down the stairs into the arena when the radio that they made me carry started squaking, something about a disturbance in the ladies room and then the boss man said for everyone available to get themselves up to some level and take care of the "situation". I was just fixing to head on up there when a real nice guy stopped me and asked where the nearest bathroom was. I was just fixing to point him the way when I remembered that the nearest bathroom was plugged up with a "situation" and I had no idea where the rest of the bathrooms where in the place.
As he hopped up and down and mentioned that he had spent too much time in the beer garden,(I guess I was the only one that never did find those big trees)I realized that again I had someone that really had to pee.I felt kinda bad for the guy, here he was hopping up and down and I had no idea where to point the old guy, but luckily for him I remembered the Mt. Dew bottle stuck in my back pocket.
I handed it to him and told him, "here, pee in this!"
"What, right here?"
"nah, you dont want to show your willie to all these kinda weird women running around, Just go over by that big stack of boxes down there, pee in it, and chunk it in the trash."
Well, he did. And really fllled that bottle up too. Just as he was making his way back up the stairs, he kinda tripped a bit and landed in the lap of one of those flowery ladies.
I guess in reality, if it had just been Mt.Dew in that bottle, it wouldnt have been a big deal.At least, not as a big of a deal of having a bottle full of pee land not only in your lap, but all over the woman down below you as well.And of coarse, what really made the situation really bad, the old feller that tripped had just enough to drink to be honest.Honest enough to stand up, point at me, and say, "He told me to pee in the bottle!"
Im sure every security officer in the coarse of his career has been attacked, and maybe even attacked by a mob of angry women, but I never had up to that point. By the time the other security officer showed up, I was pretty coated over with feathers and several packets of ketchup, mustard and everything else they sell to go along with your hotdogs and thrown on the floor.
In the end, my boss man was a pretty good guy. While I did my best to get the mayonaise out of my hair,straighten my uniform, and get the underwear out of the crack of my ass while sitting in his office, he explained who Elton John was, the ladies out there werent really ladies but men dressed up as ladies, and that the real ladies out there highly resented guys dressed up as ladies storming the ladies room and peeing in the sinks.
Neat part of it was, my boss man got me a job working on the equipement around there after that.As he put it, my "talents were being wasted on security."
CrappieKeith
Addicted to ArboristSite
OMG...I needed that one...thanks for the good belly chuckle!
I've struggled with 'Is there a God?'
But I also spent 12+ years in Catholic schools as a kid...
I recall something in the Bible about "Hiding a light under a basket."
You have a gift.
Your spelling needs work sometimes but that's what proof-readers/editors are for.
Your market would be small-ish but I don't think you would be trying to get rich off of this. Read some stuff by Michael Perry - his market is Northwest WI.
But I also spent 12+ years in Catholic schools as a kid...
I recall something in the Bible about "Hiding a light under a basket."
You have a gift.
Your spelling needs work sometimes but that's what proof-readers/editors are for.
Your market would be small-ish but I don't think you would be trying to get rich off of this. Read some stuff by Michael Perry - his market is Northwest WI.
avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
Spelling?Yeah, your're right.It sucks. But on the other hand, what you see in print is nothing more than a physical means of replaying the events that roll through my head like a video tape. When writing (or typing) about an event in my life, I pay very little attention to proper grammar and structure, mainly because that's not what I remember. I have even had folks read something and comment that, "Wow, that's not nearly as funny as the last thing you wrote. You could have added XXXXXXXXX and made it really funny." But if I did, I would be venturing off into areas that I would rather not go.Mainly, I write here for one big reason, I am a very nostalgic kind of guy, and enjoy rolling the tape back to an event that I feel is interesting.
In truth, what I relate is what happened unless I say otherwise. The temptation is sometimes there to embelish the facts a little, maybe flat out lie a bit, but in all honesty I try to make sure upfront that anyone reading what I wrote understands that it is pure fiction when I am just making up something.
For now, I reckon you all are going to have to put up with poor spelling, rotten grammar and sentence structure, and my english teacher in high school will probably roll over in her grave if she ever hears about anything that I have written.That is, until you all get tired of me rambling along like a broken wheel!
In truth, what I relate is what happened unless I say otherwise. The temptation is sometimes there to embelish the facts a little, maybe flat out lie a bit, but in all honesty I try to make sure upfront that anyone reading what I wrote understands that it is pure fiction when I am just making up something.
For now, I reckon you all are going to have to put up with poor spelling, rotten grammar and sentence structure, and my english teacher in high school will probably roll over in her grave if she ever hears about anything that I have written.That is, until you all get tired of me rambling along like a broken wheel!
Similar threads
