Keeping the peace with a brother in law

[Billy Jack]

He's got balls the size of cocunuts, ripping of a brother in law, and a cop none the less. He's also got a black heart if you ask me, you two are suppose to be brothers. Shame on him. Do some detective work and bust his ass! Nothing family related about that, LOL!

LOL good stuff. That's a strange topic to have to explain, but you really have to be sparing with the "cop" mentality when dealing with family, friends, and/or neighbors. It takes me out of my comfort zone to do so, but time has proven that leaving the "cop" at the door will be the best route in the long run.

Good point about the detective work though. I am doing that, just not following through like you would expect.

Thanks for posting.

 

[Billy Jack]

I would go to the saw dealer and help him buy a nice saw and then I would strait gas it "on accident" so he would know what its like to spend his money on something and then lose it, (or at least kill it) actually wouldn't do it, but I like the idea anyway!!

You sir, are evil. But I have to admit, I like it.

 

[Billy Jack]

My wifes brother is a great guy. Although we do not borrow or loan to each other. No need.. Now my sisters husband.. I would not piss on him if he was on fire.
If your wife sides with her brother over this.. She is not much of a wife.imho.
It is money, money that could be making a house payment, making a good dent in a week vacation. Not just two saws. they have a cash value..
I wish you the best. You already fear there is no good outcome.. So be it.. It is what it is.He owes you.

Thanks for the post. It helps to know others can relate to the same issue.

The wife ain't a problem, I assure you.

I just want a conclusion. I'll deal with it...whatever it might be.

 

[thomas72]

Which ever rout you take I hope the best works our for you.

 

[Billy Jack]

What do you think of Where'sWaldo's idea?
If he's at your house hinting about saws, tell him you've got a couple of 50cc saws you aren't using right now that he can borrow for a short while, and go out to the garage with him to fetch them. When you can't find them, have him help look. "You know, those two saws I loaned you that last time, 3 years ago. I must be going blind, they should be right here. Can you see them?"

It's a good idea, but we've discussed them enough that if I tried that I would look like I had Alzheimers (maybe not a bad twist on the idea), or just being sarcastic. I don't have a good track record with being sarcastic. I can piss off the Pope when I do that.

 

[Billy Jack]

Which ever rout you take I hope the best works our for you.

Thanks man. It will, I think. Sure can't have any further dollar loss.

 

[jeepyfz450]

Hey billy Jack i feel your pain man. I went through a similar thing with my best friend years ago. Its a really tough spot to be in and not fun at all. Another option is to cut your losses on the saws and never let it happen again. I learned my lesson the hard way but hey i still learned it. lots of people have the "grow some balls" type of advice but its almost never that easy when close friends and familys are involved.

 

[Torin]

lots of people have the "grow some balls" type of advice but its almost never that easy when close friends and familys are involved.

Such advice appears mean spirited & useless in my opinion.
The OP appeared to be looking for a tactful way to address an uncomfortable situation with an inlaw that he readily admits has been quite helpful in the past. Resolve the situation and protect an otherwise valued relationship.

 

[Billy Jack]

Update

A few days ago, my wife (God bless her) actually brought up the saws in a conversation with the BIL in my absence. She told me that HE said he had returned the saws to me. She knew immediately that was not true.

Now I'm down to two possibilites:

1) He's either very confused and THOUGHT he did return them or,

2) He's lying his ass off

There is no possibility that I forgot he returned them. Zero chance. I keep all my saws together, chained and padlocked. At this point I'm almost thoroughly convinced he is lying. Now the gloves come off. I'm calling him out on this, it's completely unacceptable. There is little to no chance these saws will find their way back to me, but now my motivation is to find out the truth. He owes me that, and if he won't consent to that, I will make sure he is reminded of his transgression EVERY time I see him until he does.

I will guarantee he will NEVER borrow another thing from me, and that commercial spreader just became my property. The wife concurs 100%.

 

[roncoinc]

A few days ago, my wife (God bless her) actually brought up the saws in a conversation with the BIL in my absence. She told me that HE said he had returned the saws to me. She knew immediately that was not true.

Now I'm down to two possibilites:

1) He's either very confused and THOUGHT he did return them or,

2) He's lying his ass off

There is no possibility that I forgot he returned them. Zero chance. I keep all my saws together, chained and padlocked. At this point I'm almost thoroughly convinced he is lying. Now the gloves come off. I'm calling him out on this, it's completely unacceptable. There is little to no chance these saws will find their way back to me, but now my motivation is to find out the truth. He owes me that, and if he won't consent to that, I will make sure he is reminded of his transgression EVERY time I see him until he does.

I will guarantee he will NEVER borrow another thing from me, and that commercial spreader just became my property. The wife concurs 100%.

I was one of the ones earlier that mentioned " grow some balls " ..
now i dont think you need to,,you already have them !!
good for you !!
i dont see how you could ever be comfortable with the BIL anyway after the saw deal so whats to lose ??
good luck and keep us posted..

 

[Billy Jack]

I was one of the ones earlier that mentioned " grow some balls " ..
now i dont think you need to,,you already have them !!
good for you !!
i dont see how you could ever be comfortable with the BIL anyway after the saw deal so whats to lose ??
good luck and keep us posted..

Thanks for the support. Yeah, it's hard to explain, but I really try to remain civil until there is no doubt I am in the right and it isn't a matter of a mere misunderstanding. I've reached that threshold now. The problem is once I reach that level, I tend to become what most observers would see as extremely hateful. Time has taught me to keep that to a minimum.

But now I don't really have much choice. I feel an OBLIGATION to make him feel bad about this so he doesn't do it again...not just to me, but to anybody. Alas, I'm pretty sure I'm too late for that.

 

[roncoinc]

Thanks for the support. Yeah, it's hard to explain, but I really try to remain civil until there is no doubt I am in the right and it isn't a matter of a mere misunderstanding. I've reached that threshold now. The problem is once I reach that level, I tend to become what most observers would see as extremely hateful. Time has taught me to keep that to a minimum.

But now I don't really have much choice. I feel an OBLIGATION to make him feel bad about this so he doesn't do it again...not just to me, but to anybody. Alas, I'm pretty sure I'm too late for that.

Your welcome and the best of luck to you.
you probly know that just busting a criminal dont change them so they wont do it again...so i would guees be the same case here..
no need to go everboard but you do need to "clense" the pent up feelings you have so YOU can feel better..
making him hurt i think may only do the same for you..
BUT,a good outburst and laying down the law and getting it off your chest WILL make you feel better..

 

[thomas72]

Your goal about making him feel bad might backfire. Most people that lie and steal do not feel bad unless you inflict physical pain which in this case is not a good idea. Best to be frank with them and have as little encounters with them as you can. Just my opinion.

 

[poulson01]

My BIL is a PITA too.
I like the guy and we're buds but we've come close to blows at least twice.
Once, we were in the box truck on I-87 South and he said something and I pulled the truck over right on the shoulder!
Point is, we're still kool. He knows I'm a hot head and I know he's a drunk ass hat.
I don't let stuff fester. If someone pisses me off, they'll know it.
Family problems are like zits. The sooner you pop 'em the better. Take care of it ASAP and speak your mind....get it off your chest. If he's a big fat baby about it, then he's not worth being civil too and you learned a lesson.

Good luck!

 

[Billy Jack]

Your goal about making him feel bad might backfire. Most people that lie and steal do not feel bad unless you inflict physical pain which in this case is not a good idea. Best to be frank with them and have as little encounters with them as you can. Just my opinion.

I agree that my terminology of "making him feel bad" was wrong to use. It has too much ambiguity. Here's something I feel will be said:

"****, you told ***** that you returned my two saws. Well, no you did not. I've asked you about those saws several times and you said you still had them, and I would remember it if you had returned them. You've seen my shop, and you know damn well if I had them where they would be. Wherever they are now, they sure ain't in my possession, and you were the last person who I know had them. Basically I am out $700 worth of saws, and I ain't happy about it. The way I am going to resolve this is that I will keep your spreader as reimbursement for those saws. I'm giving you a pretty good deal by doing that....$700 saws for a $150 spreader, but I will not lend you anything again...period, so don't ask. You and your family are still welcome in our home, but if you need some sort of tool or equipment, you need to go to a rent-a-center to get it. What's mine is gonna stay mine."

If he doesn't like that, he can try to whup my ass. He's the one who needs to man up about this. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. Being that I (wrongly) put up with this for several YEARS, I'm good to go with whatever happens. If he comes clean and tells me what really happened, I can manage to forgive him, but I'm not going to abide thievery AND lying as the outcome of this, without invoking some sort of retribution -as mild as it may be.

 

[Torin]

How about something like this: My wife tells me you had returned the saws you borrowed. I never received them, and I've asked you about them, more than once. What happened to them?
Let him prove to you, face to face, that he is lying. Be firm about never seeing them again, after they were borrowed, and also that you have asked about them on more than one occasion. Repeat to him that you had wanted to help him but this is not acceptable. Firm statements in a calm tone.
I prefer to let a person walk themselves into admitting they are lying, than get accusatory. Basically, "what you're stating, did not happen, what else you got?"
Good luck...

 

[Billy Jack]

How about something like this: My wife tells me you had returned the saws you borrowed. I never received them, and I've asked you about them, more than once. What happened to them?
Let him prove to you, face to face, that he is lying. Be firm about never seeing them again, after they were borrowed, and also that you have asked about them on more than one occasion. Repeat to him that you had wanted to help him but this is not acceptable. Firm statements in a calm tone.
I prefer to let a person walk themselves into admitting they are lying, than get accusatory. Basically, "what you're stating, did not happen, what else you got?"
Good luck...

We see things very similar, my friend. Thanks for the semantics, that is why I have posted on here. The delivery and the wording can make all the difference.

 

[fatjoe]

Foot down

It seems odd to me that such a long time has passed since the original borrowing and giving.I think your both at fault for this.Being family(unfortunate as it is, he is family), members sometimes feel they can take advantage of each other with little or no consequence.I would imagine somewhere along the line those saws got borrowed to someone else or just got used/abused beyond being worth anything and ended up in the trash.Your wife is in the middle(unfortunate).You need to confront him, with your wife present and find out the facts and come to a conclusion.(either money or his apology, whatever).This needs to be addressed or it could go on for years and your wife is the victim.Sit him down with your wife and find out what happened to those saws and settle this thing.And make it clear that you won`t let this happen again.Your being nice has got you here, now you need to put your foot down and put him in his place.He will respect you then, and you`ll be happy you did it.And your wife gets to keep her husband and her brother. Good luck.

 

[Billy Jack]

It seems odd to me that such a long time has passed since the original borrowing and giving.I think your both at fault for this.Being family(unfortunate as it is, he is family), members sometimes feel they can take advantage of each other with little or no consequence.I would imagine somewhere along the line those saws got borrowed to someone else or just got used/abused beyond being worth anything and ended up in the trash.Your wife is in the middle(unfortunate).You need to confront him, with your wife present and find out the facts and come to a conclusion.(either money or his apology, whatever).This needs to be addressed or it could go on for years and your wife is the victim.Sit him down with your wife and find out what happened to those saws and settle this thing.And make it clear that you won`t let this happen again.Your being nice has got you here, now you need to put your foot down and put him in his place.He will respect you then, and you`ll be happy you did it.And your wife gets to keep her husband and her brother. Good luck.

You are absolutely right that I have to accept partial blame. I didn't put an end to it in a timely manner. That's part of the reason I felt the need to be civil about it.

It's gonna work out, one way or the other. Thanks!

 

[poulson01]

You are absolutely right that I have to accept partial blame. I didn't put an end to it in a timely manner. That's part of the reason I felt the need to be civil about it.

It's gonna work out, one way or the other. Thanks!

Don't be afraid to talk about it. Maybe he intends to do the right thing but just hasn't got around to it yet. Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings or piss him off. Say what you gotta say like a man and, if he's a real friend and good BIL, he'll make it right...without getting defensive or getting offended. If not, at least you know what kind of guy he is.

I'd start it like this:

"Hey man. I wanna talk to you about those saws I lent you three years ago".

Simple as that.