Keeping the peace with a brother in law

[Stihl-Pioneer]

You say that parts off your 51 and the 55 that he has are interchangable, right? You could tell him that you broke a part on your 51 and if he isn't using the 55 you need to get a part off of it. You could also tell him that you need to get a part for the 51 and it it so far gone you need to see the 55 to make sure of the part or parts that you are going to be ordering are correct and that nothing else is broken that are near the part you need.

 

[Old51AVE]

You are a Police Officer, correct?? You should know how to handle this situation correctly from all of your training... Tell him you are coming over as a friend/family member to work this out and not to make you come over as a cop! Press the issue and get it over with/restitution, then you can work on showing him the error of his ways and teaching him about the value of things in life and how to conduct oneself in said life... You know, what a NICE cop would do!

Been helping a friend out with similar issues, basically what it comes down to is what my Grandad said (I know he didn't coin it but..) "Neither a borrower, nor a lender, be!" He also said "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything!"

Nice to help out friends and family, but tragically, most people see kindness as weakness and take advantage of such!

Old51AVE :greenchainsaw:

 

[Jtheo]

You are never going to settle anything if you don't have a face to face, man to man talk about the saws.

Maybe he thought you gave the saws to him. Maybe he doesn't know they cost about $700.

If he really is an irresponsible person, then you are just enabling him to be one by never asking about the saws.

Somebody needs to grow up here.

 

[Banacanin]

Well, I've tried the tactful way and it didn't take. I tend to get rather unpleasant way too quickly when I feel I'm being lied to - or at a minimum - not being told the whole truth. I try not to "police" my own family or neighbors, so my methods have to change from what I'm comfortable with. In the end, I want peace within my own family above all else.

I'm not at all guilty about the spreader. He chose to leave it there, I didn't ask him to. But it does bring up a concern about how he seems to haphazardly leave equipment in different places. I do use it though.

lol about the pregnancy joke. No, he's not pregnant, but I am a full foot taller than him and don't want to act like a bully, although he knows better than that.

Please take my free advice for what it is worth. If you go around looking for a rat, you might end up with one. Don't lend him anymore saws and if he asks you politely say, I already lent you two saws and you didn't return them maybe you should just buy your self one. Getting into a pissing match and trying to find out what happened to the saws might cost you more than 700 in stress and problems for the family. You tolerate a lot when you are in a family and have to take the very good (twenty five years with his sister) with the bad (no respect for your property)

 

[cmcampbell]

Behavior is truth. Everything else is something else.
The way the BIL acts is what he is , everything else is meaningless.
I am related to one+ like this, I am done with being exploited by them.

 

[TraditionalTool]

Well, I've tried the tactful way and it didn't take. I tend to get rather unpleasant way too quickly when I feel I'm being lied to - or at a minimum - not being told the whole truth. I try not to "police" my own family or neighbors, so my methods have to change from what I'm comfortable with. In the end, I want peace within my own family above all else.

Yeah, I would be in your shoes if someone was lying to me. Sounds like he needs a good @$$ kicking.

Meanwhile, you're wondering how to take care of him and he's crapping all over you...if you like getting crapped on, I guess that's no big deal...:monkey:

 

[procarbine2k1]

You sure have a longer fuse than I do. Kudos to you for your patience. It has, and still is taking me a while to accept my wife's family as my own- and to treat them as such. She truly has a great family, but the whole borrowing/ lending out thing I will always try to stay away from.
My father is the one person in the world that I would lend anything to. Aside from that, sometimes things come up and I lend out a little cash (no saws) to a BIL or friend. I was just saying this at work too, in that I only lend out what I can afford to lose. I know you most likely have years of experience on me, but that is my thought process. I do the best I can to keep business outside of famly relationships- but every once in a while it just happens.
I know how I would react if one of my saws was borrowed, and came up missing or broken- and again, kudos to you for handling this better than I would have... much, much, better than I would have haha.

 

[xxl]

Let him use the big lots reconditioned chainsaw that you bought for less than 100 bucks. And keep your good saws locked up.

 

[deezelman]

i just got out of a deal like this. had a family member need a saw when they fell on hard times. they had it bout a year. one day one of my other saws broke so i told them i needed to barrow it back. maybe you could try something like that.

 

[BuddhaKat]

Billy,

The one thing I didn't see while perusing this thread is that the responsibility for being a good relative goes both ways. You can't bear the entire load. Even if you can, you probably shouldn't, IMO. That load tends to get heavier as time goes on.

 

[Taxmantoo]

If he really uses the saws in a business he should have the money to buy a saw. If not, then he needs to learn to run a business. I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all saying that. I understand about cash flow and all, shoot, I learned what I know the hard way running my own business. lol

Very good point. A "business" that doesn't even pay its own expenses is just an expensive hobby. Better to take up fishing.

Let him use the big lots reconditioned chainsaw that you bought for less than 100 bucks. And keep your good saws locked up.

A Ryobi 10532 weighs less than the 50cc saws he borrowed and is about as durable. Good on gas too.

 

[stevephillips]

Write the saws off and just tell him no more. The saws aren't coming back and are not worth the hassle it's going to cause between you and your wife if you insist that BIL return them or pay for them.

You have learned a lesson about him, and so has your wife (even if she doesn't say so). You are going to live with her the rest of you life; he will just be a minor annoyance from now on.

It's a cheap lesson at $750. The lessons I learned about my wife's family cost me a lot more.

 

[Banacanin]

Write the saws off and just tell him no more. The saws aren't coming back and are not worth the hassle it's going to cause between you and your wife if you insist that BIL return them or pay for them.

You have learned a lesson about him, and so has your wife (even if she doesn't say so). You are going to live with her the rest of you life; he will just be a minor annoyance from now on.

It's a cheap lesson at $750. The lessons I learned about my wife's family cost me a lot more.

Well said, a good education don't come cheap!:agree2:

 

[BobL]

In the end, I want peace within my own family above all else.

Peace in the family is way over rated and IMHO a serious contributor to all forms of physical mental cruelty, alcoholism and drug abuse. You'll be doing the family a favour in the long run calling a spade a spade.

 

[thomas72]

You are being too nice. All you are doing is giving him permission to use you. Next time you talk to him say he needs to bring the saws back the next time he is over. If he does not produce any saws I would not allow him in my shop again. That simple. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Yes, he is your Wife's brother, but if she can not understand the concept of a thief then you need to go ahead and have a talk with her. Take care of the problems as soon as possible.

 

[BlueRidgeMark]

There is no need to get anyone's emotions involved or feelings hurt. Just send him the bill for the $700 worth of chain saws in the mail with a note explaining that since they haven't been returned then you asume that they are no longer borrowed, that he has decided that he wants to own them. :

I like a variation on this. Just ask him, "So, did you decide you want to keep those two saws, and buy another one? Shall I send you a bill, or just tell you the cost of them?"

When he sputters and blusters, just keep it nice, and explain it's been 3 years, and you either need to get paid, or to have the saws back.

And I agree with the suggestion to just tell him where to buy saws. And make sure your wife understands the situation, and that giving him anything is outright betrayal of you.

Yes, I'd use that word, if you have any doubt about her going against your wishes.

 

[BlueRidgeMark]

Billy,

The one thing I didn't see while perusing this thread is that the responsibility for being a good relative goes both ways. You can't bear the entire load. Even if you can, you probably shouldn't, IMO. That load tends to get heavier as time goes on.

:agree2:

 

[gemniii]

If you "celebrate" birthdays as a family, the next birthday (or Christmas) he has cut out a good picture of one of the saws you loaned him WITH the PRICE TAG wrap it up in a "saw size box" and present it to him in front of the family. And explain it is now his, a gift. The family will realize you gave him a $350 gift. Then do it again for the next big gift giving situation. The third time give him a real saw. Continue giving him saws until he gives up.

 

[Andyshine77]

People like this "criminals" prey on good people like yourself. The best way to deal with them is to lay down the rules and stick to them, in the end this will make things better for all involved. I know this from personal experience BTW. My BIL is a scumbag who has no respect anyone on this earth including himself. This is why people like this do whatever they want, and act anyway they want, they just don't care.

 

[SteveH]

Write the saws off and just tell him no more. The saws aren't coming back and are not worth the hassle it's going to cause between you and your wife if you insist that BIL return them or pay for them.

You have learned a lesson about him, and so has your wife (even if she doesn't say so). You are going to live with her the rest of you life; he will just be a minor annoyance from now on.

It's a cheap lesson at $750. The lessons I learned about my wife's family cost me a lot more.

I can get as bent out of shape or disgusted as the next person regarding these sorts of situations. However, I must admit, I would likely take this same approach [above] and write it off. It would be a cold day in Hades before I ever loaned something to or did anything for the guy in the future. I would not hassle my spouse about it; if she ever said, hey, my brother needs such and such, I'd explain why I would not get involved. But, my wife would probably be more burned up about this than I would, so no problem there.