avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
I lady called me last night about a cat up in a tree, had been up there for six days. I went on over there and brought my "hauling a cat out of a tree" rig, more or less a burlap bag with a welding glove sewn through a hole in the bottom. Its worked great in the past, simply stick your arm through the bag and into the glove, then pull the bag back over your arm. Grab the kitty, and pull the bag over the cat and lower it to the ground after tying it shut. But not with this cat.
Cat was up maybe thirty feet to start, and seemed okay until I reached for her. Son of a gun raced up my arm, danced a jig on my helmet, tore my face up a good bit, and back up the tree again.
Down I went, wiped up some blood with my shirt, cussed a bit, had a cold drink, and decided to make another go at it.Wrong answer. Neighbors later told me they had never seen a cat fight in a tree before, but they sure enjoyed the show.
I had my 357 in the truck, and at that point almost decided to shoot the dang thing out of the tree but the sobbing 7 year old girl standing there wailing about "poor samantha, dont hurt her" convinced me that instead of a nice smiley face picture to hang on the fridge I would probably get the silent treatment if I was lucky and a kick to the groin if I wasnt so lucky if I merely asked ole Smith and Wesson to give me hand in getting that thing back down in several pieces.
By now we had escalated the situation by moving up to the sixty foot mark, and both mom and little girl were even more hysterical because they really couldnt see much of ole Samantha. Now, I consider myself a humanitarian just like anyone else, and female tears have been known in the past to get me to do all kinds of distasteful tasks like cruising down isle six of walmart and get them female things that just got to have wings on em or they are the wrong kind. But getting sixty feet up and arguing with a ticked off tabby cat just seemed a little bit beyond what an rationale female should ever expect from any guy. But by now, the dual crying chambers of both females were in full production, and I figured that if nothing else, my obituary might look kinda fetching in the local paper seeing as how the Friday edition is always bigger than the rest of the week, and it would take at least a day for some poor hombre to scoop me up off the ground with a dustpan. So back up that tree a third time I went.
It was a calm evening, perfect for doing a three and half gainer out of a hickory tree, and I was thankful that I had enjoyed my last meal on the way there. Nothing finer than a steak burger cooked by our local mom and pop hamburger stand, and I was thankful that at least ole pop had not noticed for once when I popped the little darling on the butt for bringing me some extra ketchup. How that man slings burgers on the stove and keeps an eye on his daughter all at the same time I will never know, but every once in awhile he slips up and a guy can get a chance to flirt shamelessly with the young gal. She seems to appreciate the attention, she hasnt drawn blood on me for almost a week now. Thats how I know she likes a good pat now and again. After all,its important for employees to keep up the good morale and to know they are doing their very best. Where was I, oh yeah, the cat.
Well, I worked my way up there, and recited my latest prayer that I had been working on lately to wow the ladies with next sunday in bible study. "Dear lord, thank you for direct port fuel injection, carbon hardened chainsaw teeth, multi valve adjustable timing turbo charged engines, and for giving me the strength not to take all the teeth out of that guy in walmart the other day when he said, "Hey man, wanna share a smoothie back over at my place?" (what the hell is a smoothie anyway?)
As I threaded my way up through the branches, I couldnt help but wonder. Why in the hell do trees have to grow straight up?Why not sideways?Sure would make matters a whole lot easier for everyone. Wouldnt have to climb them to get stupid cats down, wouldnt have to worry about them falling on your house, and everyone would be happy. Remind me some day to ask an expert. Just think how much easier it would be to have an apple tree grow sideways. Even a midget could get a job picking apples.
I gotta remind myself not to get into deep thinking when climbing, because in this case I got so involved in thinking, I went right on past the dang cat and kept on going. I bet ole Samantha wondered herself if I had lost my mind as she sat there filing her nails in anticipation of our next go around, while adjusting her bandana and checking to make sure her throwing stars were firmly in place on her Batman toolbelt. If nothing else, this cat was prepared for even a WWF wrestler to show up at anytime in that tree. But sadly, her only opponent was an overweight middle aged guy who was puffing his way up a tree with a rope instead of the required hero gear like a jet pack or something.Nope, this just wasnt a fight she would be proud to put on her Facebook page. Hey, not every cat can get lucky and get a shot at Chuck Norris.
Finally I worked my way back down to Samantha, and was struck by the fact that the dang thing was actually smiling at me!WTF! Guess she thought all this was funny, and it kinda pushed me over the edge.Tying a rope around the butt end of the branch she was hanging on to, I pulled out my pocket saw and sawed that friggin branch right off, laughing as I went. Finally the branch snapped, and down she went to the branches lower down.
Lowering myself down, I repeated the process.She would cling to the branch that I had tied off, and as I lowered the branch down she would bail out and cling to the next lower branch, and we worked our way down the tree.Finally as the ground became clearly visible, she bailed out and hit the ground and took off out of sight.To say that I was relieved was an understatement.
I sure was glad to get my boots back on firm ground.Leaning on the tailgate to catch my breath, I wondered if I should bill the woman for a rescue or a tree trimming, but I had already told her I charged a flat fee of $75.00 to retrieve a stranded cat,so I figured that would have to do. I did hear a little muttering under her breathe as she made out the check to the fact that I didnt rescue the cat, but instead she jumped out of the tree,but I was to tired to make anything of it I took the check, packed my gear, bid a farewell to all the neighbors, and headed home.
As I eased my way down through the trees surrounding the rural road, I was thankful that I was out of that tree before dark, the last light was just easing its way over the surrounding hills and my eyelids began to get heavy. Home we go, and just in time, it had been a long day. Just as I reached into the cooler to get a cold drink, a sudden burst of motion caught my eye, and I swerved just in time to prevent from hitting it. With a plop, my right front tire plopped into the ditch, and neatly lifted the rear left tire clear of the road. Even with a 4wd, I was stuck high and dry.
As I eased my way out of the truck and reached for the winch controls in the toolbox, a bit of motion caught my eye, and with my flashlight i lit the place up. There, on the side of the road, was Samantha.
And she was laughing.
Cat was up maybe thirty feet to start, and seemed okay until I reached for her. Son of a gun raced up my arm, danced a jig on my helmet, tore my face up a good bit, and back up the tree again.
Down I went, wiped up some blood with my shirt, cussed a bit, had a cold drink, and decided to make another go at it.Wrong answer. Neighbors later told me they had never seen a cat fight in a tree before, but they sure enjoyed the show.
I had my 357 in the truck, and at that point almost decided to shoot the dang thing out of the tree but the sobbing 7 year old girl standing there wailing about "poor samantha, dont hurt her" convinced me that instead of a nice smiley face picture to hang on the fridge I would probably get the silent treatment if I was lucky and a kick to the groin if I wasnt so lucky if I merely asked ole Smith and Wesson to give me hand in getting that thing back down in several pieces.
By now we had escalated the situation by moving up to the sixty foot mark, and both mom and little girl were even more hysterical because they really couldnt see much of ole Samantha. Now, I consider myself a humanitarian just like anyone else, and female tears have been known in the past to get me to do all kinds of distasteful tasks like cruising down isle six of walmart and get them female things that just got to have wings on em or they are the wrong kind. But getting sixty feet up and arguing with a ticked off tabby cat just seemed a little bit beyond what an rationale female should ever expect from any guy. But by now, the dual crying chambers of both females were in full production, and I figured that if nothing else, my obituary might look kinda fetching in the local paper seeing as how the Friday edition is always bigger than the rest of the week, and it would take at least a day for some poor hombre to scoop me up off the ground with a dustpan. So back up that tree a third time I went.
It was a calm evening, perfect for doing a three and half gainer out of a hickory tree, and I was thankful that I had enjoyed my last meal on the way there. Nothing finer than a steak burger cooked by our local mom and pop hamburger stand, and I was thankful that at least ole pop had not noticed for once when I popped the little darling on the butt for bringing me some extra ketchup. How that man slings burgers on the stove and keeps an eye on his daughter all at the same time I will never know, but every once in awhile he slips up and a guy can get a chance to flirt shamelessly with the young gal. She seems to appreciate the attention, she hasnt drawn blood on me for almost a week now. Thats how I know she likes a good pat now and again. After all,its important for employees to keep up the good morale and to know they are doing their very best. Where was I, oh yeah, the cat.
Well, I worked my way up there, and recited my latest prayer that I had been working on lately to wow the ladies with next sunday in bible study. "Dear lord, thank you for direct port fuel injection, carbon hardened chainsaw teeth, multi valve adjustable timing turbo charged engines, and for giving me the strength not to take all the teeth out of that guy in walmart the other day when he said, "Hey man, wanna share a smoothie back over at my place?" (what the hell is a smoothie anyway?)
As I threaded my way up through the branches, I couldnt help but wonder. Why in the hell do trees have to grow straight up?Why not sideways?Sure would make matters a whole lot easier for everyone. Wouldnt have to climb them to get stupid cats down, wouldnt have to worry about them falling on your house, and everyone would be happy. Remind me some day to ask an expert. Just think how much easier it would be to have an apple tree grow sideways. Even a midget could get a job picking apples.
I gotta remind myself not to get into deep thinking when climbing, because in this case I got so involved in thinking, I went right on past the dang cat and kept on going. I bet ole Samantha wondered herself if I had lost my mind as she sat there filing her nails in anticipation of our next go around, while adjusting her bandana and checking to make sure her throwing stars were firmly in place on her Batman toolbelt. If nothing else, this cat was prepared for even a WWF wrestler to show up at anytime in that tree. But sadly, her only opponent was an overweight middle aged guy who was puffing his way up a tree with a rope instead of the required hero gear like a jet pack or something.Nope, this just wasnt a fight she would be proud to put on her Facebook page. Hey, not every cat can get lucky and get a shot at Chuck Norris.
Finally I worked my way back down to Samantha, and was struck by the fact that the dang thing was actually smiling at me!WTF! Guess she thought all this was funny, and it kinda pushed me over the edge.Tying a rope around the butt end of the branch she was hanging on to, I pulled out my pocket saw and sawed that friggin branch right off, laughing as I went. Finally the branch snapped, and down she went to the branches lower down.
Lowering myself down, I repeated the process.She would cling to the branch that I had tied off, and as I lowered the branch down she would bail out and cling to the next lower branch, and we worked our way down the tree.Finally as the ground became clearly visible, she bailed out and hit the ground and took off out of sight.To say that I was relieved was an understatement.
I sure was glad to get my boots back on firm ground.Leaning on the tailgate to catch my breath, I wondered if I should bill the woman for a rescue or a tree trimming, but I had already told her I charged a flat fee of $75.00 to retrieve a stranded cat,so I figured that would have to do. I did hear a little muttering under her breathe as she made out the check to the fact that I didnt rescue the cat, but instead she jumped out of the tree,but I was to tired to make anything of it I took the check, packed my gear, bid a farewell to all the neighbors, and headed home.
As I eased my way down through the trees surrounding the rural road, I was thankful that I was out of that tree before dark, the last light was just easing its way over the surrounding hills and my eyelids began to get heavy. Home we go, and just in time, it had been a long day. Just as I reached into the cooler to get a cold drink, a sudden burst of motion caught my eye, and I swerved just in time to prevent from hitting it. With a plop, my right front tire plopped into the ditch, and neatly lifted the rear left tire clear of the road. Even with a 4wd, I was stuck high and dry.
As I eased my way out of the truck and reached for the winch controls in the toolbox, a bit of motion caught my eye, and with my flashlight i lit the place up. There, on the side of the road, was Samantha.
And she was laughing.
Good on you for gettin the kittah down safe! 
