Keeping the peace with a brother in law

[whereswaldo5256]

id suggest that you could relend him one of the saws he has already borrowed and act as sincier as you can, dig around a few minutes and pretend as if you cant find it, at wich point you could reask him for your saw's and why it is he needs to buy a new one when the saw you lent him didnt even have an hours use in it....if he really did sell your saws i wouldnt care how made the wifes familly got.....borrowing something and breaking it, well stuff happens but selling is wrong no matter how you cut it

 

[REJ2]

I guess I got lucky, I've got great BIL's and SIL's. So I dont have any decent advice, sorry. REJ2

 

[TraditionalTool]

Not for nothing but it sounds like someone needs to grow some balls and learn to say NO.

Sounds like the OP is asking how he can tell him BIL no. And after you tell him to get the fudge outta there, tell him to bring back the other saws he borrowed and never returned. Why you never called him to return them is another case of growing balls as well, IMO.

 

[howellhandmade]

No sense borrowing trouble, he hasn't asked for any more saws. If he does, say, "Sorry, I loaned you two saws and never got them back. I'll help you buy your own."

Alternatively, keep an eye out for cheap saws that you can give him if he asks. Garage sale Poulans, for instance. One of those every couple of years should keep him away from your good saws. The thing is, we all have people to whom we feel obligated, or who we feel should be obligated to us. If you feel uncomfortable telling someone "no," perhaps there's a reason for that. Since none of us know all the details, we can't possibly give you good advice.

Jack

 

[Paul001]

Having not read anything other than the original post, here are my thoughts. Send him a note or tell him the next time you see him that you understand starting a business is tough. You'd like to help him out a little.

First, you know those two saws you borrowed, they cost me about $700. They are yours, I hope that will lighten your concern and anxiety a bit.

Bring them and some of your other equipment by next weekend. Lets go over them a bit before the season gets going. You'll want your equipment running as best it can to help improve profits.

Second, I understand you are looking for another saw. How about we go find you one. If funds are tight, we'll check C/L and see if we can find a good saw to fix up. This way you'll learn a bit on service and repair plus save some money.

Better to teach a man how to service/maintain his equipment than berate him. By giving him those two saws it gives you closure on what is obviously a sore spot (rightfully so). You, and everyone else reading this thread already know those saws are dead, in pieces, or sold...close the book on em.

With a bit of guidance you maybe able to change a sloth of a BIL for the better.

 

[roncoinc]

I havent seen an update from the original poster in awhile ??

I was hoping he would go to the back shelf in the closet,take down that ol shoebox where he hides them from everybody,polish em up and stuff em back down in his pants were they belong and show his BIL and wife he still has a pair and make use of em !!

probly gonna be the same ol excuse " if i thot you wanted them back you would have asked for them back "..

 

[Taxmantoo]

id suggest that you could relend him one of the saws he has already borrowed and act as sincier as you can, dig around a few minutes and pretend as if you cant find it, at wich point you could reask him for your saw's and why it is he needs to buy a new one when the saw you lent him didnt even have an hours use in it....if he really did sell your saws i wouldnt care how made the wifes familly got.....borrowing something and breaking it, well stuff happens but selling is wrong no matter how you cut it

I like that. He needs a saw, go to the garage and fetch him one of the saws you loaned him last time.

As I started to get into reloading, a friend was telling me about all his RCBS gear, which he'd loaned to another friend quite some time ago. I'd just bought a Lee starter kit so really didn't need anything of his except some dies and his scale was much better than mine, but my friend decided to reclaim all his gear (about $600 worth) so he could get back into reloading.
The ####ing thief who borrowed all the stuff couldn't give it back because he outgrew the single stage press and traded it in on a progressive press.

If it were me, I would have given him the choice of giving me the progressive press, my scale and all my dies, or having me call the sheriff and report a theft by conversion. Too many #######s around here think 'borrow' is just a polite way of requesting a gift. I can name a half dozen items, all worth several hundred to a couple of thousand dollars, that this sucker loaned over the years to various locals who just kept them.

 

[Billy Jack]

I havent seen an update from the original poster in awhile ??

I was hoping he would go to the back shelf in the closet,take down that ol shoebox where he hides them from everybody,polish em up and stuff em back down in his pants were they belong and show his BIL and wife he still has a pair and make use of em !!

probly gonna be the same ol excuse " if i thot you wanted them back you would have asked for them back "..

Ya'll sure seem concerned about my "boys". All I can say is that what you think I don't have is incorrect. I was looking for advice from others who may have experienced something similar, and a few have been kind enough to do so. ANybody who knows me personally would not relate me to being timid, just sort of mellow. Sorry if you mistake that for weakness, but you're wrong.

 

[Billy Jack]

Not for nothing but it sounds like someone needs to grow some balls and learn to say NO.

Sounds like the OP is asking how he can tell him BIL no. And after you tell him to get the fudge outta there, tell him to bring back the other saws he borrowed and never returned. Why you never called him to return them is another case of growing balls as well, IMO.

Grow some balls, huh? Yeah, that's helpful. Feel free to ignore my posts in the future if you feel this is all about the "boys".

This is a family member, and I would like to keep a good relation with him after this gets settled. I am at fault for taking so long to do that, but it wasn't a matter of balls.

 

[Billy Jack]

I like that. He needs a saw, go to the garage and fetch him one of the saws you loaned him last time.

As I started to get into reloading, a friend was telling me about all his RCBS gear, which he'd loaned to another friend quite some time ago. I'd just bought a Lee starter kit so really didn't need anything of his except some dies and his scale was much better than mine, but my friend decided to reclaim all his gear (about $600 worth) so he could get back into reloading.
The ####ing thief who borrowed all the stuff couldn't give it back because he outgrew the single stage press and traded it in on a progressive press.

If it were me, I would have given him the choice of giving me the progressive press, my scale and all my dies, or having me call the sheriff and report a theft by conversion. Too many #######s around here think 'borrow' is just a polite way of requesting a gift. I can name a half dozen items, all worth several hundred to a couple of thousand dollars, that this sucker loaned over the years to various locals who just kept them.

I would have been ticked off too, but you can end a friendship a whole lot easier than you can end a BIL relationship without a divorce. That's the sticking point in this. I can absorb the loss (and sort of already have), but I would like the mend the relationship if I can.

 

[BuddhaKat]

Grow some balls, huh? Yeah, that's helpful. Feel free to ignore my posts in the future if you feel this is all about the "boys".

This is a family member, and I would like to keep a good relation with him after this gets settled. I am at fault for taking so long to do that, but it wasn't a matter of balls.

Well, now ya know how he got his nickname. Apparently it's an accurate description. :hmm3grin2orange:

 

[BuddhaKat]

I would have been ticked off too, but you can end a friendship a whole lot easier than you can end a BIL relationship without a divorce. That's the sticking point in this. I can absorb the loss (and sort of already have), but I would like the mend the relationship if I can.

Then your only option is to talk to him. That'll let you know exactly what he wants to contribute to the relationship. If you're willing to write off the saws then an understanding is possible. Hopefully, he'll be willing to meet you at a point where it's more than a total loss for you.

 

[Billy Jack]

Then your only option is to talk to him. That'll let you know exactly what he wants to contribute to the relationship. If you're willing to write off the saws then an understanding is possible. Hopefully, he'll be willing to meet you at a point where it's more than a total loss for you.

That's what I'm hoping for. I don't see him frequently, but the next time he and I have some time to discuss it, I want to get it settled.

 

[spike60]

I would have been ticked off too, but you can end a friendship a whole lot easier than you can end a BIL relationship without a divorce. That's the sticking point in this. I can absorb the loss (and sort of already have), but I would like the mend the relationship if I can.

I understand your concern about not wanting this to blow up and become a big issue in the family. Anyone would want to avoid having other people drawn in to a dispute like this and have the situation escalate out of control. But I have a couple of questions.

First, what would trigger the involvement of other family members? This is primarily between the two of you. He never returned your saws, and you should not be shy about asking for their return, or even that he remitt some payment if he no longer has them. If you were to bring this issue to your wife and start complaining about him, then you would incur the risk or blame for stirring the pot, and she might defend him. But you SHOULD NOT be afraid to confront him because he may choose to run to your wife or other members of the family to complain about you.

The second and more troubling question is this: Are there members of your wife's family that would take his side in this matter? I know that blood is thicker than water, but what he did is simply impossible to defend. Any right thinking person should be able to clearly see who the bad guy is in this situation. If there are people in that family that would take his side, and living with that is the only way to "keep the peace", then such peace is coming at an awfully high price.

Your wife may indeed be a great lady, and they all come with a family of some sort. But some families are more like a mine field from which you can never find your way out. It's one thing to write off the saws that he already has and let it go, but if you are further concerned that refusing to give him more stuff can also cause some family problems, then yours is a lost cause.

Sometimes my friend, it's better to rock the boat than to ride it over the falls.

 

[Burvol]

He's got balls the size of cocunuts, ripping of a brother in law, and a cop none the less. He's also got a black heart if you ask me, you two are suppose to be brothers. Shame on him. Do some detective work and bust his ass! Nothing family related about that, LOL!

 

[highpointtree]

I would go to the saw dealer and help him buy a nice saw and then I would strait gas it "on accident" so he would know what its like to spend his money on something and then lose it, (or at least kill it) actually wouldn't do it, but I like the idea anyway!!

 

[ericjeeper]

My wifes brother is a great guy. Although we do not borrow or loan to each other. No need.. Now my sisters husband.. I would not piss on him if he was on fire.
If your wife sides with her brother over this.. She is not much of a wife.imho.
It is money, money that could be making a house payment, making a good dent in a week vacation. Not just two saws. they have a cash value..
I wish you the best. You already fear there is no good outcome.. So be it.. It is what it is.He owes you.

 

[BlueRidgeMark]

Sorry if you mistake that for weakness, but you're wrong.

Don't let it bother you. Some people just don't know what real strength and courage is. They go off at the slightest provocation, and think that makes them manly.

Adolescents are like that, y'know. Too bad a lot of them never mature.

 

[Taxmantoo]

I would have been ticked off too, but you can end a friendship a whole lot easier than you can end a BIL relationship without a divorce. That's the sticking point in this. I can absorb the loss (and sort of already have), but I would like the mend the relationship if I can.

What do you think of Where'sWaldo's idea?
If he's at your house hinting about saws, tell him you've got a couple of 50cc saws you aren't using right now that he can borrow for a short while, and go out to the garage with him to fetch them. When you can't find them, have him help look. "You know, those two saws I loaned you that last time, 3 years ago. I must be going blind, they should be right here. Can you see them?"

 

[Billy Jack]

I understand your concern about not wanting this to blow up and become a big issue in the family. Anyone would want to avoid having other people drawn in to a dispute like this and have the situation escalate out of control. But I have a couple of questions.

First, what would trigger the involvement of other family members? This is primarily between the two of you. He never returned your saws, and you should not be shy about asking for their return, or even that he remitt some payment if he no longer has them. If you were to bring this issue to your wife and start complaining about him, then you would incur the risk or blame for stirring the pot, and she might defend him. But you SHOULD NOT be afraid to confront him because he may choose to run to your wife or other members of the family to complain about you.

The second and more troubling question is this: Are there members of your wife's family that would take his side in this matter? I know that blood is thicker than water, but what he did is simply impossible to defend. Any right thinking person should be able to clearly see who the bad guy is in this situation. If there are people in that family that would take his side, and living with that is the only way to "keep the peace", then such peace is coming at an awfully high price.

Your wife may indeed be a great lady, and they all come with a family of some sort. But some families are more like a mine field from which you can never find your way out. It's one thing to write off the saws that he already has and let it go, but if you are further concerned that refusing to give him more stuff can also cause some family problems, then yours is a lost cause.

Sometimes my friend, it's better to rock the boat than to ride it over the falls.

You make good points, and I appreciate the effort.

I've had differences with quite a few on the wife's side, but nothing bad enough to draw the line in the sand. It's hard to explain, but future "issues" with unreturned times is already solved (I won't loan them), still I want to remain civil with them where we don't have to deal with that "uncomfortable" atmosphere. I know my wife, and she'll take MY side on this, but that's partly why I've been doing the eggshell waltz. I don't want her to have to take a side.

I don't know when I can resolve this, but as soon as I do, I'll post the results.