Ten things I hate about you

[got6ponies]

the best post ive see all week!


5.This is the finest firewood you have ever had delivered.May I lay you for my fire?
minor change

 

[woodbooga]

Never did anything to the little buggers, they always show up when things are going downhill.Kinda like to hit you when you are at your worst.last time the little guys visited me they kept loosening up the fill cap for my climbing saw.Nothing worse than losing your fuel when 50ft up in a tree with the HO watching.Except climbing down a fuel soaked line,hoping and praying that the fuel didnt weaken the rope up.....
I have tried bribery, leave an half eaten snicker bar on the tailgate helps.They spend most their time trying to pick the nuts out of the gaps in their teeth and leave you alone.Bubble gum works good to except they find the neatest places to leave their chew when they have chewed the flavor out of it.Last time they left an entire pack chewed up on the seat of my truck and I ended up trying to explain to the waitress at the local Denny's why I had gum stuck all over my butt and all over her chair.For some reason she just didnt believe me.Shoot, you would think the puddle of sawdust under the table would have been proof enough.

Too much coddling. Time to get tough. You need a cutting buddy that will take no guff.

I recommend getting yourself a cthulu. They're very rare but they take no prisoners.

 

[huskystihl]

Dont feel bad about poor wood sales, its that way all over.Too many folks out of work and trying to make a buck.
Last night on the news they had a piece on some guy who's unemployement ran out and he was selling firewood.As the reporter said, "After splitting and stacking, all it needs is 24 hours to dry out and its ready to sell"

Yep seems to be the case! I'm kind of a seasoned pro when it comes to selling wood here in ohio and it's all about planning your assault. Most of the ads i've seen are from newby's who are in fact trying to make a buck which I completely understand. The problem is they paved the way for lowballing one another which is exactly whats happening and chances are they have 40 or 50 truckloads that will be long gone when the average person gets that first big heating bill and realizes a few hundred in fire wood is better heat than a few hundred to the gas co. I usually will run a 6 week ad starting about the 2nd week of dec and have always had fantastic results. My typical customer is the guy who underestimated his woodpile and the family that wants to burn wood over the holiday season. Preliminary pricing around here has heating bills at 20% less than last year so I may be setting on quite a pile of wood for my campground customers next year. Oh well!

 

[Taxmantoo]

As the reporter said, "After splitting and stacking, all it needs is 24 hours to dry out and its ready to sell"

I would assume that anybody who actually heats with wood would run far away from the guy who gave that info to the reporter.

 

[avalancher]

Too much coddling. Time to get tough. You need a cutting buddy that will take no guff.

I recommend getting yourself a cthulu. They're very rare but they take no prisoners.

I called the local pet store,animal shelter, and even the local game wardens office.They had no clue how to get one of those,in fact the gal at the pet store insuated that I had spent too much time at the local pub this afternoon.
Dang these crabby people anyway!

 

[woodbooga]

I called the local pet store,animal shelter, and even the local game wardens office.They had no clue how to get one of those,in fact the gal at the pet store insuated that I had spent too much time at the local pub this afternoon.
Dang these crabby people anyway!

been lookin in all the wrong places. Easy to do - I did mention cthulhus are rare.

some recent sightings...

Celebrating the 150th anniversary of the publication of Darwin's "Origin"

Reinventing the funny pages

enjoying some prawn

lending likeness to frozen treats

And finally in DC running for office...

 

[mimilkman1]

I agree with most of it but you need to ad the response I always get.
THERE ARE 2 OTHER ADS SELLING FOR MUCH LESS! Than why are you calling me? I have yet to even place an ad this year since there are 10 other guys selling cords for anywhere from $60 to $150. I don't need to get rich but people need to understand as you said how much work goes into a stick of wood that you put in your fireplace. I tell customers that one piece of wood is handled a minimum of 5 times before it gets turned into heat. Drop the tree load the wood unload the wood cut the wood split the wood deliver the wood and unload the wood! Wait that 6, granted I use dump trailers and loaders to make things easier but with convenience comes a hell of a-lot of money as well. My attitude is this, if I can't break even on the 200 plus cords I have setting right now i'll have the counties biggest bon fire. Actually a guy called the other day and asked the price and I told him and explained that the softest wood I have is maple and very little of that, mostly ash and oak, locust, hard maple as well. The fella was very polite and I could tell he was older as well and went on to tell me that he was the victim of a layoff from the auto industry and that he was in good enough health to cut his own wood but his wife had recently lost her vision in a freak accident and wasn't able to leave her alone. He then thanked me for my time and would call me in a month or so when his unemeployment started coming in as he trusted my supply and realized cheaper isn't always better. Long story short, my wife filled her car up 20 miles down the road not long ago and realized she forgot her purse, the gas attendant was blowing her crap, she was in tears and i'm in the bucket and never heard the phone ring. A gentleman heard what was going on while she was out in her car balling her eyes out the stranger paid for her $55 in gas walked out without a thank you and said pay it forward. Anyways the layed off fella who was saving for a load of wood heard my diesel back in and an 8x16 dump trailer/ 2cords raise up and a card from my wife that said happy holidays and to pay it forward as best you can! I gotta tell ya the beer tasted real good that night and I watched a 60 yr old man cry like a high school girl with a broken heart and figured I may have scored some points with the guy upstairs, and oh how I need those!

Good on ya! I bet the feeling you had about yourself helping someone who really needed it was better than any monetary payment.

Kyle

 

[unclemoustache]

I delivered a load of wood one day to an older couple.they were a little short on cash,but didn't complain about the cost of wood.I could see when I got there that they really didn't have a whole lot.
During conversation while unloading, the elderly guy mentioned that his son was in need of work and was rather skilled with a chainsaw.

Anyone ever try and sell unsplit wood to the 'weekend warriors' who want to save a buck, but are willing to split and season it themselves?
I heard about a farmer that sells 8' logs and/or unsplit rounds. The way he figures it, he's making more money having people come and pick it up themselves (for a lesser price, of course), than investing the time splitting, stacking, and delivering it himself.

 

[huskystihl]

Anyone ever try and sell unsplit wood to the 'weekend warriors' who want to save a buck, but are willing to split and season it themselves?
I heard about a farmer that sells 8' logs and/or unsplit rounds. The way he figures it, he's making more money having people come and pick it up themselves (for a lesser price, of course), than investing the time splitting, stacking, and delivering it himself.

I got a few customers that use outside boilers that will give me $100 for my big dump trailer full of whatever I bring them in the summer. Roughly 3-4 cords if split but they dont care. Could be cottonwood could be cedar, whatever I have and whatever the skid can pickup. Gives them wood and saves me time and fills the tanks for the week and a few beers at the garage.

 

[stihlaficionado]

Here, I did a few minor changes to my list, maybe this will be more to your liking?

1. Of course I take checks!.I take checks,cash, all major credit cards, food stamps, dead and live chickens, farm produce, your first born as long as he is potty trained, pesos, euros, canadian currency, a quickie with your wife or oldest daughter.
Car parts, tractor parts, barn wood, owl droppings, chicken manure, cow dung, doggie doo doos.
computer parts, wood carvings, good used tires, loads of gravel, firewood, peat moss, flowers,old newspapers, aluminum,brass,copper and other scrap metal.We take any form of payment!

2.You have a lovely home.I am hoping that the few particles of wood chips that fall from my truck will not bother you until I have the time to sweep them up.

3.You have such a lively little doggie.He looks so cute attached to my brand new levis.Whats his name?

4.Dont mind the scratches on my truck, I needed a new one anyway.The worried look on my face from your driveway being stapled on the side of a hill will go away once the afore mentioned doggie tears my leg off.How cute!

5.This is the finest firewood you have ever had delivered.May I lay a fire for you?

6.I give discounts to veterans, old folks, white folks, black folks, illegal immigrants, dog and cat owners, and anyone who has a fireplace or woodstove.
7.I may be a rip off artist, but I am the friendliest rip off artist you have ever met.I will be happy to stop at the sheriffs office on the way home and politely request 164 lashes.

8.I am happy to deliver in a snow storm.It merly provides me with a little excitement that is so lacking in my life.

9.I turned at the herd of goats like you suggested.Eleven hours later ,but hey, here I am!

10. Maam,you look lovely in that pink bathrobe!My, you certainly are well endowed!My wife would be so jealous!May I have your autograph?You remind me of Michael Jackson...ummm, I mean Whitney Houston. Firewood is on me today!

No need to write anymore...you had me with "owl poop":monkey:

good read/laugh. Every profession has it's PITA's(some human, others events/situations).:censored:

 

[cuznguido]

I actually threw that in for a reason, I had a bad experience with a "helper" that I picked up one day in such a fashion.

I delivered a load of wood one day to an older couple.they were a little short on cash,but didn't complain about the cost of wood.I could see when I got there that they really didn't have a whole lot.
During conversation while unloading, the elderly guy mentioned that his son was in need of work and was rather skilled with a chainsaw.I asked the guy if his son was so skilled, why did they need to buy firewood?
He replied with what I thought was an acceptable answer.They had hocked their chainsaw intending to get it back when they got caught up on bills, but it never happened.Plus, they really didn't have any place to go and cut wood. I had a large clearing job coming up the next week, and thought maybe I could help them out by giving him a few days of work.

The guy called his son out, and in all honesty he looked like a real gem.6ft tall, 250lbs of muscle and appeared to be of at least average intelligence.I explained the job I had coming up, and we agreed on a time and hourly wages.I left feeling better knowing that maybe I had brightened their lives and I had some help.I had hoped to find some help before I started that job.

The following Monday,I picked the guy up bright and early and we headed out.It was cold and the heat was running full blast to keep me and the saws thawed out.After he climbed in, I noticed immediately that this guy was not the same guy I had met before.No longer talkative, but rather sat there with a menacing glare at his feet.Questions and chatter on my part was met with one word answers and grunts. Then I noticed the smell starting to envelope the cab of the truck.

Okay,we all have a little gas from time to time,and to be honest, it was a relief in some ways.My saws in the back seat had a tendency to burp gas fumes from the tank when they got to warm in the truck.I figured that a little extra from the passenger seat merrily stated the fact that he felt comfortable enough around me to let a few fly.No big deal.
By the time we got to the job site however, the smell was truly overwhelming.Eyes watering, I was relieved to spot the gate across the driveway,signaling the fact that there was a God kind enough to give me a reason to step out of the cab to open the gate.

I was relieved to get the work started, fresh air at last.I truly wondered how anyone could emit such fumes in such a short period of time, but I guess I just chalked that up to another of his "skills" that his dad had mentioned.When we stopped for lunch, I began to realize what a treat I was in for.I had the standard fare of a working guy, a sandwich or two that the wife had thoughtfully packaged up for the day.Mica, on the other hand, was used to a fare that I had never seen before.

As he unrolled his lunch, a very familiar smell began to overtake our stump perches.The birds quite singing, the squirrels disappeared, and a few buzzards began to circle overhead.I began to uneasily look around for the wood fairies, they generally showed up about this time.
At last the tinfoil was unraveled, and there to my shock and horror where two good sized catfish, raw as the day that they were yanked out of the local lake.Even through my watering eyes, I could tell that they had been hanging around long past their prime, but with a few dashes of ketchup old Mica swallowed them down, taking time once in awhile to spit out a few bones that were complaining about making the trip down his gullet.

Now,I understand the concept of sushi, but I really don't remember anything about sushi being not only raw but rotten as well.But apparently the taste and texture agreed with Mica, he did a thorough job of swallowing them down, complete with a good polishing of his fingers and tinfoil.Funny how even though I had been working for hours, my sandwiches no longer had any appeal.

We broke from lunch, and as he was leaning into the bed of the truck to put up his lunch box, I couldn't help but stare at his backside.A clear and very obvious testimony to his diet was rather apparent to his overalls, and I began to become concerned as to the condition of the upholstery in my truck.What was a guy supposed to do, have him sit on an old jacket on the way home?
The rest of the day passed without event, and the ride home was truly memorable.In fact, it invaded my sleep for weeks after that job was done.

Truth now, on your honor, is this a true story???? C'mon now.

 

[avalancher]

Truth now, on your honor, is this a true story???? C'mon now.

If you ever wonder if my stories are true,feel free to ask.I love to tell tall tales, stretch the truth a good bit, and flat out lie at times.
Most of my stories are built around real characters in my life with some name changes to protect the guilty.The above story is a sure enough experience from two years ago.

 

[cuznguido]

Anyone ever try and sell unsplit wood to the 'weekend warriors' who want to save a buck, but are willing to split and season it themselves?
I heard about a farmer that sells 8' logs and/or unsplit rounds. The way he figures it, he's making more money having people come and pick it up themselves (for a lesser price, of course), than investing the time splitting, stacking, and delivering it himself.

I can go one even better than this. I am trying to clear a piece of property, roughly 6-7 acres reasonably level. Lots of poplar and sycamore trees needing to be gone. I have offered free wood to anybody that wants it, and even offered to pull it out with my tractor if they don't want to drive in there. Now here is the kicker, I have even offered to help them split it with my splitter, if they will cut it up and help with the labor. Now of course i realize this ain't prime firewood, but it is free and most of it has been down for almost a year. I hate to just pile it and burn, but I guess I will. Folks will cry and whine about the price of firewood, heating oil, gas, whatever, but they don't seem willing to get dirty.

 

[matt9923]

I can go one even better than this. I am trying to clear a piece of property, roughly 6-7 acres reasonably level. Lots of poplar and sycamore trees needing to be gone. I have offered free wood to anybody that wants it, and even offered to pull it out with my tractor if they don't want to drive in there. Now here is the kicker, I have even offered to help them split it with my splitter, if they will cut it up and help with the labor. Now of course i realize this ain't prime firewood, but it is free and most of it has been down for almost a year. I hate to just pile it and burn, but I guess I will. Folks will cry and whine about the price of firewood, heating oil, gas, whatever, but they don't seem willing to get dirty.

No, most people can't perform physical labor.

 

[Fronty Owner]

As a fella that has had a load of wood delivered before, I ask that when you see my truck backed in the drive, please dont pile the load of wood against the front of my truck... While I dont expect much more effort than dumping it out of the bed in the yard, I really dont mind if you kill a bit of grass, so the wood doesn't need to be on the cement driveway and under my truck

 

[matt9923]

As a fella that has had a load of wood delivered before, I ask that when you see my truck backed in the drive, please dont pile the load of wood against the front of my truck... While I dont expect much more effort than dumping it out of the bed in the yard, I really dont mind if you kill a bit of grass, so the wood doesn't need to be on the cement driveway and under my truck

Move you're truck.

 

[Steve NW WI]

Off topic, but the delivery stuff brought this to mind.

I used to have a dumpster here at the farm. Waste Management called one day and said they were picking up the dumpster and dropping off a roll out to the road can. I asked why and they said they couldn't get in and out with their new larger trucks.

I informed them that semitrucks with 40' grain trailers and 16' wide 4wd tractors had no problems, and that if their drivers were that bad, they shouldn't be in my yard. WM no longer is my waste company.

Avalancher are you the long lost twin brother to Patrick McManus? Your stories sure remind me of the over the top hilarious stories of his, that you know have at least some root in truth.

 

[Curlycherry1]

If you ever wonder if my stories are true,feel free to ask.I love to tell tall tales, stretch the truth a good bit, and flat out lie at times.
Most of my stories are built around real characters in my life with some name changes to protect the guilty.The above story is a sure enough experience from two years ago.

I too grew up around folks like he has around. In fact, right now I think my brother is employing the cousin-half-brother of the guy with the pants problem. The dude lives in a trailer that nobody has been in besides him in 20 years. We know he does not own a washing machine. M

My dad knew lots of strange characters and to this day my wife hears some of the stories of my youth and shakes her head in disbelief, and then a day or so later my brother will confirm the story. She gets afraid, very, very afraid.

 

[pickwood]

Avalancher- Amen brother on the weekend cabin rental people and whats really bad is those who decide to build/buy a second home in your area. They dont want any hunting in their area, telling you how you should do something, no developement in the area-it ruins their view, and are always telling you how it was where they moved from - you can guess my answer on that one! Had one customer ask me to deliver the week before they arrived and would pay me when they arrived- it took 2 months for them to pay and they get their wood elsewhere. I'm like most of you guys- I would rather give it away than sell to the above mentioned people. Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[fredmc]

With the firewood season running wide open, here are a few tips to stay on the good side of your firewood guy.Feel free to add any that grinds your gears.

1.When I say I dont take checks, I mean I dont take checks.I accept cash,visa, mastercard,and Discover.Dont have me show up with a load of wood,drop it on the ground, then break out your check book.

2.Dont give me directions to your house, give me an address.Landmarks such as "turn right at the herd of goats" doesnt help much.My GPS can generally find your house faster.By the way, that herd of goats?I never did see em.Funny how things move around all on their own.

3.Dont call me when its 10 degrees out and snowing, call me the day before.If you decide that you need the wood delivered in a snow storm,dont be surprised when I tell you that you are going to have to wait until the weather clears.

4.Tell me ahead of time that you have a narrow driveway big enough for a volkswagon.I dont care that you ride your unicycle to work.I deliver wood with a truck,not a wheelbarrow.Im sorry that suprises you.And no,Im not hauling it from the road in your sons little red wagon.I have better things to do with my time.

5.Pen your friggin dog up in the house when I arrive.I have grown weary of trying to unload wood in a snowstorm with Fifi knawing on my leg.It slows me down and makes me rather irritable when I have to sew my pants up before I stop at walmart for a box of band aids.

6.The ad says nothing about stacking, it says "DELIVERED".Im truly sorry that you take this to mean delivered up 68 flights of stairs,over broken tricycles,through the hog pen,out through the kitchen, and stacked neatly on your back deck.

7.Dont ask me how well its going to burn.You are asking for an opinion, of course my opinion is going to be,"it wil burn great".Firewood burns if you know how to start a fire.I dont do "test"burns in your stove to prove how good it burns.I deliver wood,you start the fire.

8.Dont ask for a discount. I dont care that you lost your job, grandma is sick, the dog is pregnant,your barn needs a new roof,your Ferrari needs a new leather seat,or your only source of income is scamming folks on the internet and lately business has been off a bit.My price is plainly stated in the ad.If I choose to give you a discount,its because of what I see when I get there, not what you tell me.

9.Your right, firewood guys are rip off artists who charge an arm and a leg because we have a chainsaw and yours got stolen.After all, cutting firewood is rather easy work,the equipement is cheap to buy,and everyone has a pickup.From last years proffits I bought a snickers bar,two cokes, and a handful of chains.

10.Tell your wife to put some clothes on before I get there.I am truly sorry that you had hoped that a half naked woman would result in a discount.Bathrobes do not count as clothes.By the way, next time you are thinking about trying that, borrow your neighbors wife.Boobies sagging to the knees do nothing for me,especially when they are loosely encased in a fuzzy pink bathrobe.On the plus side, you saved me the huge expense of dinner last night,for some mysterious reason I just wasnt hungry.Shoot,when I think about it,even my lab wasnt hungry,and she stayed in the truck!

my wife was reading this too, we both think that this is HILARIOUS! And by hilarious, we mean right on the mark. You know, it doesn't matter if you deliver wood, perform surgery or sell cars....you work with people...you have these kinds of problems. Funny!