avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
Now if you know how to build a fire, read no further and ignore me.
While deep in conversation with a local nurse the topic of fire starting was brought up, and after noting several burns and scars randomly scattered about my aging body, she noted that I must indeed be an expert at starting fires. In fact I am an expert at starting a fire, its putting the inferno back out that often leads me to hit “speed dial 1” commonly referred to as 911. Here are a few tips on getting that woodstove up to temp in record time.
For starters you will need to accrue the following items for a successful fire.
Kindling
Matches
Small container of accelerant, preferably diesel fuel or lighter fluid
Newspaper
Shaving razor or Nair
Large mirror
First off, go ahead and shave your eyebrows and if you feel real industrious shave off your bangs. Studies have proven that eyebrows serve no purpose whatsoever, and bangs are highly flammable. A properly built fire should start with a “whoosh” and are usually accompanied with the crisping of the eyebrows. The fine charred remains will generally stick to your forehead until you bend over your breakfast, and nothing will ruin that cheese and green bean omelet faster than charred eyebrow. If you must appear in public after starting your fire and before starting a new fire, Joan Rivers has some excellent tips on eyebrow painting. If you are squeamish about using a razor, then use the Nair.
Next, you will need to practice your cuss words. A good fire starter should have a large vocabulary of neatly organized swear words. Cuss words should be organized into where they are not only applicable but acceptable. Very few woodsman that I know will use the same words down at the local pub as they do at home. If you have limited resources or fortitude, then try the good old, “Son of a……….!” when the fire goes out. “What the………….?” when the stove starts a truly ill-omened rumble, and you can exclaim when the house has warmed up with a cheerful, “Well I’ll be a……………!” An ominous word left out of a sentence will keep you in the good graces of the misses, but will still allow you to maintain your “highest wind speed ever attained in a fart” status down at the local watering hole.
Practice not only your vocabulary but your delivery in front of a mirror until you can make paint peel off a beer can, or the wife catches you. Whichever comes first.
If you have not done so already have a phone handy, preferably with 911 on speed dial. You would be surprised how hard it is to dial three digits when your eyelashes have been singed together and your fingers charred, so the fewer numbers you have to dial the better.
Now that the prep work is done, it is time to start a fire. Wad some black and white newspaper up and make a small pile in the center of your stove. I avoid using any full color paper for two reasons. First, it doesn’t burn very well due to the ink, and second my parrot Ralphy loves the funnies and most of the ad papers. I know it sounds odd but more than once he has had to explain some of the jokes to me out of the funnies.
Next, pile in your kindling wood and sprinkle it with lighter fluid or diesel fuel. Six gallons should be enough, unless you are building a fire while company is over and you really want an effect to brighten the evening with. Then go with an extra gallon or two. Then in neat formations pile larger wood over and around your kindling allowing plenty of air gaps.
Now that its time to actually light the fire, I suggest wooden matches. I avoid lighters or anything that I have to hold, but opt rather for something that I can throw. Leaving your door open, both stove and nearest exit from your home, light your match and toss it in the stove.
If you have followed all these steps, you should now have a successful fire going, and your house should be well on its way to warming up, maybe even getting downright toasty. Maybe even well on its way to an insurance claim. While I will never attest to the fact that this method will work for everyone, it has served me well in the sixteen houses I have owned so far.
While deep in conversation with a local nurse the topic of fire starting was brought up, and after noting several burns and scars randomly scattered about my aging body, she noted that I must indeed be an expert at starting fires. In fact I am an expert at starting a fire, its putting the inferno back out that often leads me to hit “speed dial 1” commonly referred to as 911. Here are a few tips on getting that woodstove up to temp in record time.
For starters you will need to accrue the following items for a successful fire.
Kindling
Matches
Small container of accelerant, preferably diesel fuel or lighter fluid
Newspaper
Shaving razor or Nair
Large mirror
First off, go ahead and shave your eyebrows and if you feel real industrious shave off your bangs. Studies have proven that eyebrows serve no purpose whatsoever, and bangs are highly flammable. A properly built fire should start with a “whoosh” and are usually accompanied with the crisping of the eyebrows. The fine charred remains will generally stick to your forehead until you bend over your breakfast, and nothing will ruin that cheese and green bean omelet faster than charred eyebrow. If you must appear in public after starting your fire and before starting a new fire, Joan Rivers has some excellent tips on eyebrow painting. If you are squeamish about using a razor, then use the Nair.
Next, you will need to practice your cuss words. A good fire starter should have a large vocabulary of neatly organized swear words. Cuss words should be organized into where they are not only applicable but acceptable. Very few woodsman that I know will use the same words down at the local pub as they do at home. If you have limited resources or fortitude, then try the good old, “Son of a……….!” when the fire goes out. “What the………….?” when the stove starts a truly ill-omened rumble, and you can exclaim when the house has warmed up with a cheerful, “Well I’ll be a……………!” An ominous word left out of a sentence will keep you in the good graces of the misses, but will still allow you to maintain your “highest wind speed ever attained in a fart” status down at the local watering hole.
Practice not only your vocabulary but your delivery in front of a mirror until you can make paint peel off a beer can, or the wife catches you. Whichever comes first.
If you have not done so already have a phone handy, preferably with 911 on speed dial. You would be surprised how hard it is to dial three digits when your eyelashes have been singed together and your fingers charred, so the fewer numbers you have to dial the better.
Now that the prep work is done, it is time to start a fire. Wad some black and white newspaper up and make a small pile in the center of your stove. I avoid using any full color paper for two reasons. First, it doesn’t burn very well due to the ink, and second my parrot Ralphy loves the funnies and most of the ad papers. I know it sounds odd but more than once he has had to explain some of the jokes to me out of the funnies.
Next, pile in your kindling wood and sprinkle it with lighter fluid or diesel fuel. Six gallons should be enough, unless you are building a fire while company is over and you really want an effect to brighten the evening with. Then go with an extra gallon or two. Then in neat formations pile larger wood over and around your kindling allowing plenty of air gaps.
Now that its time to actually light the fire, I suggest wooden matches. I avoid lighters or anything that I have to hold, but opt rather for something that I can throw. Leaving your door open, both stove and nearest exit from your home, light your match and toss it in the stove.
If you have followed all these steps, you should now have a successful fire going, and your house should be well on its way to warming up, maybe even getting downright toasty. Maybe even well on its way to an insurance claim. While I will never attest to the fact that this method will work for everyone, it has served me well in the sixteen houses I have owned so far.
