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BobL said:
Amanda died of a brain aneurism followed rapidly by a massive heart attack. The doctors reckoned it would have been all over in 30 seconds. I was watching the TV 2 rooms away from the bathroom where she collapsed. I heard her fall and went in to find her on the floor. I was in complete shock and could not move her or even use my cell phone I all fingers and thumbs so I ran outside and called for help.

It was midday on a Sunday and usually our street is very quiet but the next door neighbour and her son were talking to another neighbour across the St and they came immediately inside and while the son called the Ambulance, the others 2 started CPR . Incredibly one neighbour had done a CPR refresher course two days before hand plus the Ambulance people on the phone guided them over the phone. Then another neighbours turned up - he's a doctor and she's a nurse. Two ambulances arrived within 10 minutes and a 3rd one after another 5 minutes. The paramedics worked on Amanda for about 20 minutes then strapped an external CPR pump on her chest and an air pump on her face and raced to a hospital only about 10 minutes away but they would have got there quicker. Traffic was very light.

At the hospital they repeated applied a defibrillator and got her heart started but she could not breathe without a respirator and sadly never regained consciousness. They did scans to find the aneurism but it was too massive to do anything with. Blood tests also confirmed she had suffered from a heat attack. At this stage we finally got to see her and she was just laying peacefully hooked up to about a dozen machines to help keep her alive After a few minutes the doctors said her blood pressure was too low and warned us she might only last anywhere from an hour to 24 hours at most.

My father died of the same thing when he was 74 but he lasted 48 hours between collapse and death and although he was unconscious the whole time he could at least breathe on his own. The 48 hours up to his death from a final massive heart attack was outwardly distressing (he was moaning, grimacing and writhing in what looked like severe pain, and eventually his skin turned a purple-red! colour). My mother who watched all this insisted he was conscious and kept talking to him because the docs said he might have been able to hear something. Even though the docs said dad probably felt nothing during this period I was dreading Amanda would go thru the same process which would really have distressed my son and daughter in law who were with me the whole time, Amanda lasted just 3 hours. It was mercifully a peaceful passing. She was only 67 years old.

I doubt there was anything else that could have been done - everyone, the neighbours, the paramedics, the hospital staff, all did their very best. In fact they were all fantastic. Thanks to our universal health cover this whole scenario cost me Zero.

I've described these events multiple times on emails, SMS etc and even though I go thru the pain every time I do but I'm finding it very cathartic.
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That you're here telling complete strangers about it means you're a strong, compassionate man, and I hope that sharing this most intimate and life changing, extremely painful moment will help to ease some of the pain. I told you the guys here will always be here for you, and from some of the posts I've read, they are living up to my observations. Keep on trucking, and we'll keep listening, from North Central Calif, wishing you ✌ peace.
 
Thanks for sharing the details, Bob. Personally, I shut down or busy myself when life takes dramatic turns.

Talking about it and your wife's life, especially with your grandkids, may be therapeutic for you. The hurt means there's healing happening. Like breaking up fascia/scar tissue from a previous injury.

All the best to you and yours!
 
BobL said:
My wife and soul mate (Amanda) of 46 years died suddenly on Sunday and I am pretty shattered. I have a son and daughter-in-law and two wonderfull grandkids, 9 siblings, 8 in-laws, 30 nieces and nephews, 21 great nieces and nephew, great neighbours and friends, but have never felt so alone. The house is full of Amanda's arts, crafts and nicknacks so the memories of her are very strong and at times over whelming. Eventually I hope to eventually get back to contribution to these forums.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. My thoughts are with you and your loved ones. Prayers sent.
 
Four months on and I'm still a shattered mess, in some ways worse than ever. Can't read, can't watch TV, can't do any of my projects. Youtube was irritating me so much I deleted it off my cell phone. I can cook for myself but I get regularly invited to friends and my family's places for meals etc I spend a lot of time talking with family and friends and have spent more time with my 95 year old mom who has serious dementia while she still recognises me.

To add to my woes, my knees are playing up so's I cannot stand for more than about 10 minutes. I've just started some physical therapy last week.
Last month I had to deal with Amanda's horse as that thing was bleeding money to the tune of about US$200/week in stable fees and crazy medical bills. With the help of Amanda's riding friend (I know nothing about horses) we took it to have it medically assessed and it was deemed unridable and as an equestrian horse should not be jumping, so we moved it to a horse retirement property about an hour from the city where it could be in a herd and free to run in a large paddock. The plan was to advertise it as a free yard horse but mercifully it died 10 days later. It just dropped dead, probably of a heart attack, no snake bite marks or signs of any struggle. I am really relieved it's gone and with some of the money I save, I've hired a house cleaner as the house was turning into a bit of a mess.

Even though I can't read anything on paper, I can write so I've started writing a memoir of my wife and am up to 146 pages - funny that I cannot read a book but can easily read what I've written. The dogs are really good companions but I cannot walk them far and usually just end up sitting on a park bench and throwing balls from there. I don't know where I'd be without them.

I've started to see a Psychologist and while its early days it seems to be helping. I have also been clearing and decluttering the house which was riddled with stuff from Amanda's mother and grandmother but has little no meaning to me - in fact I loathe it. So far I have removed 10 pieces of furniture from the house and over 125 boxes of linen, clothing, kitchen stuff, and bric-a-brac but have yet to tackle Amanda's craft stuff and most of her recent clothing which I find hard to even touch and will leave for some time. I've donated all Amanda's horse riding clothing (many items unused and still with tags on them) and gear to an organisation called "Riding for the disabled" and they were very pleased to get them. Amanda also had a collection of European winter clothing from the time we lived in Europe which together with a dozen blankets and other clothing I donated to the Ukrainian Winter clothing appeal, I think Amanda would have been oK with this.

I've started lurking again in these forums as I can read from a screen, not sure if I will be posting much though.
 
BobL said:
Four months on and I'm still a shattered mess, in some ways worse than ever. Can't read, can't watch TV, can't do any of my projects. Youtube was irritating me so much I deleted it off my cell phone. I can cook for myself but I get regularly invited to friends and my family's places for meals etc I spend a lot of time talking with family and friends and have spent more time with my 95 year old mom who has serious dementia while she still recognises me.

To add to my woes, my knees are playing up so's I cannot stand for more than about 10 minutes. I've just started some physical therapy last week.
Last month I had to deal with Amanda's horse as that thing was bleeding money to the tune of about US$200/week in stable fees and crazy medical bills. With the help of Amanda's riding friend (I know nothing about horses) we took it to have it medically assessed and it was deemed unridable and as an equestrian horse should not be jumping, so we moved it to a horse retirement property about an hour from the city where it could be in a herd and free to run in a large paddock. The plan was to advertise it as a free yard horse but mercifully it died 10 days later. It just dropped dead, probably of a heart attack, no snake bite marks or signs of any struggle. I am really relieved it's gone and with some of the money I save, I've hired a house cleaner as the house was turning into a bit of a mess.

Even though I can't read anything on paper, I can write so I've started writing a memoir of my wife and am up to 146 pages - funny that I cannot read a book but can easily read what I've written. The dogs are really good companions but I cannot walk them far and usually just end up sitting on a park bench and throwing balls from there. I don't know where I'd be without them.

I've started to see a Psychologist and while its early days it seems to be helping. I have also been clearing and decluttering the house which was riddled with stuff from Amanda's mother and grandmother but has little no meaning to me - in fact I loathe it. So far I have removed 10 pieces of furniture from the house and over 125 boxes of linen, clothing, kitchen stuff, and bric-a-brac but have yet to tackle Amanda's craft stuff and most of her recent clothing which I find hard to even touch and will leave for some time. I've donated all Amanda's horse riding clothing (many items unused and still with tags on them) and gear to an organisation called "Riding for the disabled" and they were very pleased to get them. Amanda also had a collection of European winter clothing from the time we lived in Europe which together with a dozen blankets and other clothing I donated to the Ukrainian Winter clothing appeal, I think Amanda would have been oK with this.

I've started lurking again in these forums as I can read from a screen, not sure if I will be posting much though.
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Keep writing and going through things as you can, the dogs need you as much as you need them. Wish you well, keep talking to people if it helps you.
 
BobL, I have not suffered the pain you are suffering. I have been through other pain, that we most have by our age, but not your special and horrible pain.

Your dogs are your companions - I have come to understand just how much they help us with emotional pain.

If you ever just need to talk, PM me..
 
Bob, if Lurking 👀 helps, nobody here is going to criticize you for that.

Please Never forget that you have more members here that Respect you more than you will ever know.

You have Helped so many here, in so many ways, there is no shame in asking for help from this community, you have more than earned anything that you would ever ask of us, and more

Hang in there Bob, you had something very Special in your relationship with Amanda, but you probably didn’t realize that would come with a cost, the pain and sense of Loss, when you lost Amanda. I know that you would do it all over again

My own Wife Rae has been struggling with lung damage from Covid since October of 2021, and has asked me several times if I knew then, what I know now, would I still do it? ABSOLUTELY, She is my Best Friend, and I can’t imagine Life without her in it.

When we travel, I have to pack up her oxygen concentrator and tanks, Yep I miss the days of not having to do that, but it is a very small price to pay for having her with me. What is hard to deal with is watching her suffer from the effects of Covid, and not be able to do anything to help her overcome it


Doug 😎
 
Bob,

No easy words or simple answers. You are a member whose insight I respect, and whose participation I look forward to. Sounds like you have a lot of family support. I can only let you know that a lot of guys here care about you. I hope that with time you find direction that makes sense for you.

Philbert
 
Thanks for all the thoughtful wishes. just knowing the re are strangers out there that are prepared to write supportive stuff helps.

One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with is "regrets" which are really grinding me down. Last week I managed to listen to a podcast on the "Science of Regret (https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/a-slight-change-of-plans/the-science-of-regret-daniel-pink) which helped put things into perspective. Just like "deep and meaningful relationships" come at a cost when they end, the "depths of regrets" is a good sign that your brain and value system is working and once recognised you can at least change in the future. But that still doesn't take way the pain. I also made a list of "no regrets" (lots) and " regrets" and as the Frank Sinatra so goes, "but then again, too few to mention" but they still really hurt.
 
cookies said:
Keep writing and going through things as you can, the dogs need you as much as you need them. Wish you well, keep talking to people if it helps you.
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I tried my best to find the right words to help you through your hard time, seems that the post I quote says what I was going to say so, thanks Mr Cookies, and good luck Mr Bob, we got yer back.
 
I’m so sorry to learn about the passing of your wife, and the shock of the rapidity of her critical event and her passing. I learned, through the loss of our child, that the only way to get through a painful experience like this, is to share and learn to comprehend your emotional loss.
Your dogs, and someone to talk to, are the best tools you can have to learn to accept your new life. It is never easy, and the healing does take time, but it is possible to eventually separate the memory of your wife from the emotional pain.
I will be honest with you, I couldn't talk about my wife's and my loss for over a year, but I finally learned that I had to deal with my emotions, or they were going to kill me. When my wife and I could talk about the memory of our child rather than the pain, something started to happen and we gradually realized that we were starting to heal.
My thoughts are with you, and my condolences to you and your loved ones.
Bob
 
Bob, it is very difficult through the fog of grief to find a path toward healing. Having recently lost my 31yo daughter, I try to take small steps forward each day, focusing on positive things like you are doing…writing about her, telling people about her, and also getting the psychological/professional help when needed. There is no shame in getting expert help, I commend you for it. No one can ever be adequately prepared for such tragedy. Grief is a process we all experience, sooner or later. We grieve because we have loved. And each of us has to find the path forward that helps ease the pain. Some days are steps forward. Some are back. But I see from your updates that you are moving forward and getting stronger. Thank you for sharing and know that you aren’t alone.
 
Thanks everyone again for your kind comments.
Today, while I was on my way to see a physical therapist about my knees, I stopped off at Amanda's former work place, a private girls college where she was the head librarian for 23 years. Amanda retired from the college under a cloud of stress and bullying at the end of 2015 and had not been back since she left. Whilst cleaning up Amanda's home office I found a couple of Library books from the college and though I would return them and also take the chance to catch up with some of her former work colleagues, one of which was also a close horse riding buddy of Amanda's. Amanda and I had another close personal connection with the college because it was in the college chapel that we got married some 44 years ago. Whilst walking through the campus to the library I walked past the chapel and front steps down which I remember clearly like it was yesterday happily emerging hand in hand as husband and wife 44 years ago. It was hard to remain calm.
 
BobL said:
Thanks everyone again for your kind comments.
Today, while I was on my way to see a physical therapist about my knees, I stopped off at Amanda's former work place, a private girls college where she was the head librarian for 23 years. Amanda retired from the college under a cloud of stress and bullying at the end of 2015 and had not been back since she left. Whilst cleaning up Amanda's home office I found a couple of Library books from the college and though I would return them and also take the chance to catch up with some of her former work colleagues, one of which was also a close horse riding buddy of Amanda's. Amanda and I had another close personal connection with the college because it was in the college chapel that we got married some 44 years ago. Whilst walking through the campus to the library I walked past the chapel and front steps down which I remember clearly like it was yesterday happily emerging hand in hand as husband and wife 44 years ago. It was hard to remain calm.
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Bob the special memories you have and will have again will serve as a salve for good grief. you have my prayers for healing comfort and moral strength.
 

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