The Ballad of Sap

[spike60]

T'was a man named Sap who had a sick tree,
and he couldn't find anyone who'd cut it for free.

So he hopped in his truck and called out to his Ma,
" I'm goin to town to buy me a saw!"

He decided to buy a nice little Stihl,
but neglected to mention he'd be attaching a mill.

And due to the technique he obviously lacked,
that poor little Sthil just up and cracked!

When he explained to the dealer he was trying to mill lumber,
the dealer cried out he'd never heard anything dumber!

"How could you do something so drastic,
to a poor little saw whose crankcase is plastic?"

Sap was sad, he was stark raving mad,
"that dealer's no good, they ALL must be bad!"

He went home to his computer and started to type,
he typed and he typed and he commenced to gripe.

The weeks went by but try as he might,
not a friend could he find on Arborist Site.

But most of his family, even the cat and the dog,
got a real big thrill when Sap cut a log.

See, when it comes to saws Sap knows it all,
if you don't believe it just give him a call.

So he got back in his truck for another long drive,
and came back with a Husky 455.

The salesman could see Sap was a strange creature,
so he sold him a "professional" saw with "consumer" features.

So Sap milled his wood as best he could,
but still feels dealers are all no good.

To his grave he will carry a grudge,
especially to the guy who refused to budge.

 

[04ultra]

T'was a man named Sap who had a sick tree,
and he couldn't find anyone who'd cut it for free.

So he hopped in his truck and called out to his Ma,
" I'm goin to town to buy me a saw!"

He decided to buy a nice little Stihl,
but neglected to mention he'd be attaching a mill.

And due to the technique he obviously lacked,
that poor little Sthil just up and cracked!

When he explained to the dealer he was trying to mill lumber,
the dealer cried out he'd never heard anything dumber!

"How could you do something so drastic,
to a poor little saw whose crankcase is plastic?"

Sap was sad, he was stark raving mad,
"that dealer's no good, they ALL must be bad!"

He went home to his computer and started to type,
he typed and he typed and he commenced to gripe.

The weeks went by but try as he might,
not a friend could he find on Arborist Site.

Tired and cranky he laid down for a nap,
but he got a nasty surprise from his big brother Cap.

"What are you doing you big ugly creep?
I told you before I ain't no dang sheep!"

It was usually his sister, cute little Clap,
who spent hours and hours sitting on his lap.

She wasn't too bright but she sure had a way,
of getting the boys to come out and play.

But most of his family, even the cat and the dog,
got a real big thrill when Sap cut a log.

See, when it comes to saws Sap knows it all,
if you don't believe it just give him a call.

So he got back in his truck for another long drive,
and came back with a Husky 455.

The salesman could see Sap was a strange creature,
so he sold him a "professional" saw with "consumer" features.

So Sap milled his wood as best he could,
but still feels dealers are all no good.

To his grave he will carry a grudge,
especially to the guy who refused to budge.

That is the best...

 

[THALL10326]

Spike I'm sueing you

I think I just busted both lungs,lolololololololololololol

 

[stihlatit]

I love it. LOL

 

[spacemule]

Beverly Hillbillies?

 

[havvey]

sap

absolutly brutal guys :fart: i hope you wouldn't do this to me as i tinker with mccullochs!! may be he will change his handle:jawdrop: If that don't qualify for shamless behavior you will never get the red box

 

[Lakeside53]

I laughed so much I just pissed my pants!

But it was worth every drop!

 

[Mike G]

Very nice. You could publish this in a book of chainsaw rhymes..., too bad SNL has no idea who Sap is....................

 

[aggiewoodbutchr]

Well done!

 

[THALL10326]

absolutly brutal guys :fart: i hope you wouldn't do this to me as i tinker with mccullochs!! may be he will change his handle:jawdrop: If that don't qualify for shamless behavior you will never get the red box

Harvey beleive it or not Sap enjoys this non-sense as much as we do. I know that sounds hard to believe but its true, I've figured him out. He has become the center of attention and has stayed the center for months. He doesn't pay us any mind other than to stirr the pot to get more. He'll come right back at us and don't think for a second he can't hold his own, he can. He likes a good fuss match. It takes all of us to make Saps day and believe me he makes ours as well. Most time he ignores what bores him and responds only to what tickles his fancy. We give him many choices....

 

[lovetheoutdoors]

That was great...lets hear more...LOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

[Max]

Great job!

 

[retoocs555]

A classic chainsaw poem. This one is by a well known poet, Hayden Carruth.


REGARDING CHAINSAWS

The first chainsaw I owned years ago
Was an old yellow McCulloch that wouldn’t start.
Jas Laughlin gave it to me that was my friend.
Well, I’ve had enemies that couldn’t of done
No worse. I took it to Ward’s over to Morrisville,
And no doubt they tinkered it as best they could,
But it still wouldn’t start. One time later
I took it down to the last bolt and gasket
And put back together again, hoping
Somehow I’d do something accidental-like
That would make it go. You know the way you do.
Then I yanked on it 450 times,
As I figured afterwards, and give myself
A bursitis in the elbow that went five years
Even after Doc Barber shot it full
Of cortisone and near killed me when he hit
A nerve dead on. Old Phil wanted that saw.
Figured I was a greenhorn that didn’t know
Nothing and he could fix it. Well, I was,
You could say, green as bile and twice as ugly,
But a fair hand at tinkering. “Phil,” I said,
“You’re a neighbor, I like you, and I wouldn’t
Sell that tarnation thing to nobody, except
Vice-President Nixon.” But Phil persisted.
He always did. One time we was standing
Gabbing in his side dooryard, and he spied
That saw in the back of my pickup. He run
Quick inside, then come out and stuck a double
Sawbuck in my shirt pocket, and he grabbed
That saw and lugged it off. Next day, when I
Drove past, I seen he had it snugged down tight
With a tow-chain on the bed of his old Dodge
Powerwagon, and he was yanking on it
With both hands. Two or three days after,
I asked him, I says, “How you doing with that
McCulloch, Phil?” ‘Well,” he says, “I tooken
It down to scrap, and I buried it in three
Separate places yonder on the upper side
Of the potato piece. You can’t be too careful,”
He says, “when you’re disposing of a hex.”
The next saw I had was a godawful ancient
Homelite that I give Dry Dryden thirty bucks for,
Temperamental as a ram, too, but I liked it.
It used to remind me of Dry and how he’d
Clap that saw a couple of times with the flat
Of his double-bitted axe to make it go
And how he honed the chain with a worn-down
File stuck into an old baseball. I worked
That saw for years. Why, I used to put up
Forty-five run a year to keep my stoves
Hot all winter in them days. I couldn’t
Now, it’d kill me. Well, of course they got
These modern Swedish saws now that can take
All the worry out of it. What’s the good
Of that? Takes all the fun out, too, don’t it?
Why, I reckon. I mind when David Budbill snagged
An old sap spout buried in a chunk of maple
And it tore up his mouth so bad he couldn’t play
“Green Dolphin Street” on his trumpet like Peter Candoli
No more, and then when Toby Wolff was holding
A beech limb that Rob Bowen was bucking up
And the saw skidded crossways and nipped off
One of Toby’s fingers. That’s more like it.
Makes you know you’re living. But mostly they wan’t
Dangerous, and the only thing they broke was your
Back. Old Phil, he was a buller and a jammer
In his time, no two ways about that, but he
Never sawed himself. Phil had the sugar
All his life, and he wan’t always too careful
About his diet and the injections. He lost
All the feeling in his legs from the knees down.
One time he started up his Powerwagon
Out in the barn, and his foot slipped off the clutch,
And she jumped frontwards right through the wall
And into the manure pit. He just set there,
Swearing like you could of heard it in St.
Johnsbury, till his wife come out and said,
“Phil, what’s got into you?” “Missus,” he says,
“Ain’t nothing got into me. Can’t you see?
It’s me that’s got into this here pile of ????.”
Well, not much later they took away one of his
Legs, and six months after that they took
The other and left him setting in his old chair
With a tank of oxygen to sip at whenever
He felt himself sinking. I remember that chair.
Phil reupholstered it with an old bearskin
That must of come down from his great-great-
Grandfather. Why, I swear it had grit in it
From the Civil War and a bullet hole big
As your mouth. Phil latched the pieces together
With rawhide, cross fashion, but the stitches was
Always breaking and coming undone. About then
I quit stopping by to see Old Phil, and I
Don’t feel good about that neither. But my mother
Was having her strokes then. I figured
One person coming apart was as much
As a man can stand. Then Phil was put in the
Nursing home, and then he died. I always
Remember how he planted them pieces of spooked
McCulloch up above the potatoes. Funny,
Sometimes I used to think I’d go up there
To see if anything sprouted. You know how
A man gets took by notions once in a while.
But I never did it. I reckon it’s just as well.

 

[Vernon Tull]

Hayden Carruth -- a fine American poet indeed. "I wouldn’t sell that tarnation thing to nobody, except Vice-President Nixon.” That's a funny line.

 

[coveredinsap]

It would appear that 'Spike60' is a man with way too much time on his hands.....or something.

And no matter how many poems he writes about me, I'm not going to go out with him. Sorry.

Not that there's anything wrong with that though. I just don't play for that 'team'.

 

[RaisedByWolves]

You know what they say about unwarranted denial......

 

[belgian]

And no matter how many poems he writes about me, I'm not going to go out with him. Sorry.

Now I feel really sorry for Spike. After all that effort..... Nothing is tougher than unanswered love .

 

[04ultra]

Now I feel really sorry for Spike. After all that effort..... Nothing is tougher than unanswered love .

LOL Spot on

 

[spike60]

Hey, wait a minute guys. I didn't ask him out.

Now wasn't it my buddy Thall who was talking about a wounded heart? Help me out here Thall! You asked him out and I get rejected? What's up with that?

 

[ShoerFast]

Remember why we're here boyz!

This is a respectable site! We're here cause we ran the last guy we picked on off.

Just because sap seems to be here for the , as he puts it "big burly chainsaw types" seems to have an obsession with "Dr Wienner" and with putting brillo-pads were, well were they don't belong. Dose not mean that he would feel flattered by asking him out.