Hope you wear a gun on each side so your back doesn't get screwed up. Then add one of those bandoliers and a cowboy hat. Carry a flag along too, maybe two of them. You'll need a huge American one and then maybe a Don't Tread On Me (both which have been bastardized) or if you really want to look scary, a Confederate flag--white sheets are optional.
Now, back to the OP, I'd also add to my answering machine, please speak slowly and leave your phone number. I hate having to replay a phone message over and over while trying to understand the phone number gibberish.